Riddles in the Dark

I had a HSG, or hysterosalpingogram today.

Well, I should say the HSG was attempted, but not actually done. After about an hour of hanging out and waiting for various tests to come back (one of which was a pregnancy test, ironically), I was finally called into the room. I put on one of those oh-so-stylish gowns, got situated on a very uncomfortable table, and had an x-ray taken of my lady bits.

Then the technician came in to get started. Basically, it's like a pelvic exam you get at your OB-GYN. They inserted a speculum and the technician then started to try to get the catheter with the dye inserted. She kept up a running dialogue of questions with me, so I felt all right, trying to breathe, stay calm and relaxed.

Then she kept saying, "Darn! Your cervix is tilted. Hold on while I move the speculum a little bit." More poking and prodding ensued. This happened 3 times. Then she finally said, "Well, it looks like it's not going in. I'm going to try to put in some dye." Of course, the dye immediately leaked out again, leaving me with the unpleasant sensation that I had wet myself. Great.

After that, she took everything out and told me the bad news. "Your cervix is blocked at the top. You'll have to have it dilated/cleared at the OB-GYN office and then come back here."

At least I know what part of the problem is- in fact, I hope that's the ONLY problem I have. Part of me wonders what it is- a cyst? Cancerous or not? My Pap was normal, so I hope that's not the case. Scarring? Part of me wonders if I had a miscarriage and just didn't know it. I wasn't charting for the first couple of months, and I had no idea what was going on in my body or what was normal for me.

I read that dilating REALLY hurts...I'm anxious about it, but if it will get me a cleared passage to see that everything else is normal, then I'm doing it. I just really hope that this is the most invasive procedure I have to go through and that everything else is fine after this.

*sigh*

Namaste.

I get so emotional...

Finally got myself to the OB-GYN for my yearly checkup. All is normal, at least to superficial appearances. And now, to begin the invasive tests to find out what's going on. I have to get my thyroid checked. Then I'll be having a hormone check and a uterine ultrasound.

Part of me is relieved that I'm finally getting checked out, and the other part of me is disappointed that I have to go through this instead of just being able to get pregnant like a normal person. I guess it's better to get checked and see if I'm normal than just continue being anxious about getting pregnant.

I also saw some pictures of my nephew with my grandmother that my sister-in-law took while we were on vacation and basically just started bawling. I am sad that we will have children too late for my grandmother to meet them, too.

I've been really emotional the last few days. Part of me hopes that I'm pregnant already, but the doubting part of me says don't get your hopes up.

*sigh*

Maybe I need some special baby-making juju from acupuncture. I'd do it if I weren't so scared of needles.