It's two days after Christmas. I'm having a good time here at my in-laws' house (despite the fact that the TV has been on nearly 24-7). My husband and I received many nice gifts, including some for the Wii that I hope will help us keep in shape.
Speaking of keeping in shape, we went for a walk at the Ijams Nature Center yesterday- just the two of us. It was really nice to get out of the house and enjoy the fresh air and the birds (see my nature blog for more details). Whenever I think about having children recently, my mind starts to turn to what we'd like to do with them. And for them. And what we don't want to do to them. We'd started a journal at home to be filled with the things our parents did for us that we would like to do for them. And also what we DON'T want to do to them. So I think about these things while we are walking.
We really want our children to be outside, as much as possible. We have plans to take them for walks like the one we went on yesterday (although maybe not the 1 mile uphill hike around the quarry). In this digital age, we would love it if we could avoid handheld electronics until they are in high school. Both my husband and I hope we can cultivate in our kids a love of and interest in nature, in observation and the amazing things you can see when you're quiet enough. I could just take my mom's tactic and lock our kids outside the house in the summer until lunch or dinner, except that here in Georgia the temps can hit the 100's.
In another vein, I was also thinking about Christmas presents. I read another blog where a family with two small boys (2 and 6, respectively) could not afford to buy new gifts for them. Luckily, they had saved one or two gifts from prior birthdays (unopened, that the kids didn't know about) that then served as Christmas gifts. I thought that was a great idea. It's frugal but not stingy. The kids were able to get new gifts and the parents didn't have to go bankrupt trying to provide for them. I liked that idea. I also like the idea that teaching kids to be good givers can feel just as good as being recipients in this season of consumption. It's something I had to learn myself over this last year of un- and under-employment. Not watching commercials makes it easier (thanks, Netflix!).
I suppose every parent wants to instill good values in their children. And we all hope that we can do well.
Here's to the future...let's raise a glass to what might be and dream of the endless possibilities around us.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Babies everywhere
It must be one of those things. When you're not paying attention, you don't notice it. But as soon as it becomes important, you see it everywhere. For me, it's people getting pregnant. These past few weeks, one of my sister's friends posted that she was pregnant with an ultrasound picture on Facebook. Then one of our friends posted a belly picture on Facebook with a 'guess what' message.
I am trying not to feel jealous or left out or anxious....but it's hard not to. Last month, I was really reading a lot of pregnancy/birth material and it was consuming my time (even though I promised myself I wouldn't let it become an obsession...). I felt pressured. My husband felt pressured. So I finally just let go. I had my period and was a little sad, but also kind of happy to have a 'real' period again. It was like, "oh yeah, this is what it's supposed to be like!".
I did an ovulation calculator for this month, but kept my fertile dates to myself and have been keeping myself busy, which helped reduce the pressure we were feeling. I'm applying for grad school and should get accepted soon. I don't feel any different this month, whereas last month, any kind of weird/ill/different sensation was like, "Is this it? Am I pregnant? Could I be?" I figure I'll definitely know when because I'll probably get sick. I'm also trying not to think about it as often. Being busy does help.
At any rate, it will happen when it happens. Until then, I will try to be at peace with me the way I am today.
I am trying not to feel jealous or left out or anxious....but it's hard not to. Last month, I was really reading a lot of pregnancy/birth material and it was consuming my time (even though I promised myself I wouldn't let it become an obsession...). I felt pressured. My husband felt pressured. So I finally just let go. I had my period and was a little sad, but also kind of happy to have a 'real' period again. It was like, "oh yeah, this is what it's supposed to be like!".
I did an ovulation calculator for this month, but kept my fertile dates to myself and have been keeping myself busy, which helped reduce the pressure we were feeling. I'm applying for grad school and should get accepted soon. I don't feel any different this month, whereas last month, any kind of weird/ill/different sensation was like, "Is this it? Am I pregnant? Could I be?" I figure I'll definitely know when because I'll probably get sick. I'm also trying not to think about it as often. Being busy does help.
At any rate, it will happen when it happens. Until then, I will try to be at peace with me the way I am today.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Just do it
Ok, so I'm not partial to Nike, but "Just do it" seems to be the advice my heart is giving me...
So we're doing this thing. We're teetering on the edge of poverty, I'm applying for grad school, and my husband makes less every year because of his health insurance plan, but we're going to get pregnant. There is still this ideal in my head that I'd written in my journal a while ago, that we'd both have jobs and be in a 'stable financial situation'. Well, on the upside, I now have 2 part-time jobs that will last through December at least, although neither of them add up to more than $100 a week. I am still ecstatic that I have them. Last year, I had nothing.
Lots of fears come to mind, of course. I'm 30. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, birth, and most important of all, baby. I'm trying not to read too much literature on infertility (most of which applies after you're 35 anyway). I'm trying to be reasonable about my expectations and fears about conceiving (which is impossible). I stopped taking my birth control pill this past weekend. I feel elated- freed- and now I'm trying to figure out when I'll ovulate. I have a guess based on the periods I had on the Pill, but I'm not about to wait 3 months to establish a regular cycle before we conceive. Too long. I'm hoping that we'll just magically have luck this month and poof! Baby.
In the meantime, I'm not going to freak out and become super-obsessed with reading everything. I am going to maintain a good healthy self by regular de-stressing (yoga, baths), exercising to keep my body in optimal condition, eating healthy portions of delicious foods, and letting things happen when and as they will.
God willing, everything will work out right.
So we're doing this thing. We're teetering on the edge of poverty, I'm applying for grad school, and my husband makes less every year because of his health insurance plan, but we're going to get pregnant. There is still this ideal in my head that I'd written in my journal a while ago, that we'd both have jobs and be in a 'stable financial situation'. Well, on the upside, I now have 2 part-time jobs that will last through December at least, although neither of them add up to more than $100 a week. I am still ecstatic that I have them. Last year, I had nothing.
Lots of fears come to mind, of course. I'm 30. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, birth, and most important of all, baby. I'm trying not to read too much literature on infertility (most of which applies after you're 35 anyway). I'm trying to be reasonable about my expectations and fears about conceiving (which is impossible). I stopped taking my birth control pill this past weekend. I feel elated- freed- and now I'm trying to figure out when I'll ovulate. I have a guess based on the periods I had on the Pill, but I'm not about to wait 3 months to establish a regular cycle before we conceive. Too long. I'm hoping that we'll just magically have luck this month and poof! Baby.
In the meantime, I'm not going to freak out and become super-obsessed with reading everything. I am going to maintain a good healthy self by regular de-stressing (yoga, baths), exercising to keep my body in optimal condition, eating healthy portions of delicious foods, and letting things happen when and as they will.
God willing, everything will work out right.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hello World, part 2
Where was I? Oh, yes, I had finally gotten a job and had back surgery to relieve the pain I was feeling. At this point, I was working every other week. The paycheck was enough to cover the rental car we had to get because we only owned one vehicle. So I was practically working for free. To make matters worse, I'd been looking for a teaching job since December without much luck. I applied to 5-6 jobs and got 0 interviews. So time was running short. At the beginning of August, I decided it was time to go back to school.
I applied to an online Master's program. That fell through because they wanted me to have an undergraduate degree in science. So I applied to an undergraduate program at a nearby private school. In retrospect, I should have done more research before I just jumped in. I was accepted and spent the better part of two weeks running around trying to get my financial aid in order so I could attend classes. Needless to say, I made it. I was happy, everything seemed to be going great. I could finally get a degree that was going to get me into the classroom.
And then I spoke with the head of the graduate education department. Ok, so picture this: you're a 30-year old undergraduate student. You're technically classified as a transfer, except the college you're at wants you to prove that the courses you took waaay back when are 'good enough' for them. You've already missed at least two classes in each course so far, you've overdrawn your credit card trying to pay for books that you needed yesterday....and then, someone tells you that this other program would be a MUCH better fit.
Yes, I would have cried, too. And keep in mind- this is all to get good enough credentials to teach. A career which the book "America's Teachers" calls a SEMI-PROFESSION. You know, like nurses (book's suggestion, not mine!).
I could well go on a tirade about teaching right now, but I won't. That will likely come in later posts.
Anyhow, I decided to drop two courses and keep the others- a chemistry and theater course. Why? Because chemistry is a prerequisite course at most colleges to get to biology, and theater is fun and would keep me at half-time student status so my college loans from the FIRST time could go into deferment for a while. I'll be signing up for the graduate program at the same college in the spring.
Sounds good so far. Get a graduate degree in teaching, get a career. Check. So I'll be taking biology courses at the college where my husband works (far cheaper than the private college) during the day and then taking graduate education courses at night. Ok, a little busy, but I'm sure I can handle it. It'll take about 2-3 years. Ok, that's fairly standard for a Master's degree program.
So where do I fit a child or children into all this?
Conventional wisdom says several things about this particular situation. 1) Get pregnant and let your husband's job cover your maternity leave; 2) Children are expensive! Be sure you can afford the increase in cost!; 3) You can't save up to have a child; 4) Many women are working and having children at the same time; 5) You can wait a long time to have children, just look at all the wonderful medical technologies we have out there so you can have children when you're 40; 6) Don't wait too long to be a parent, otherwise you'll be too old.
Here's what I have to say in response:
1) The college education I am choosing to obtain is going to put us further into debt. I have no illusions about that. My husband's job? He earns LESS every year because health insurance premiums keep rising. And he cannot get a raise because currently the state is trying to cut back on spending. He's not allowed to work a second job because it's in his contract as a 'conflict of interest'.
2) We barely had enough money in our savings account to pay the down payment on our new leased car (necessary, if I was going to take classes). That was our emergency fund, by the way. We have less than $200 in there now. Children are estimated to cost an additional $700 a month (medical expenses, diapers, etc). So....how are we supposed to afford children? Which brings me to the next point....
3) If we can't 'save up' to have a child, when is the best time to do it? When my bank account is empty and our savings is low, and we're paying for hospital bills out the who-ha (back surgery for me; wrist surgery for my husband), plus rent, a lease on a car, and all the other myriad of bills, how the hell are we supposed to save anything? We can't. You might say, "Surely, you can cut back on some spending!", as though we haven't already thought of that. We cut back our Netflix plan to just online streaming (we don't have cable, so this is the only form of entertainment/distraction that we get). We trade work for vegetables at an organic farm once a week. We don't run the air conditioner unless the house hits 80 inside. We water at night. We don't drive more than we have to. If we wanted to go even farther, we could cut Netflix all together, cut our land line, spend even less on groceries or go on food stamps, and that's about it. We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything that isn't at home- not go out to eat, or to the movies, or any kind of entertainment.
4) If I don't even have a job, how can I even think about getting pregnant?
5) I'm already 30. Yeah, I'm feeling that stupid biological clock ticking away here. Not my only reason for wanting to have children, believe me. I don't want to be a whole lot older before I have children because I want to be able to play with them without getting exhausted. Besides, I'd rather do things naturally rather than let medical science play with my ovaries.
6) Same as above, pretty much.
I've read a lot of web sites that say things along the lines of, "You'll be ready to have children when..." and then fill in the blanks. My original thought was to fill in the blanks with: "When you and your husband have a house and you both have steady jobs."
House? Check. At least we're renting one. Both have jobs? Nope. And therein lies the problem that's haunted me for the past year and counting. I can't have children until I have income. We just can't do it. We wouldn't be able to pay for the medical bills it would mean to be pregnant or for the birth, not to mention everything that comes afterwards. So how to other people do this? Not to be offensive, but there are a lot of trailer folk around here with a brood running around. So how to they manage to feed, clothe, and educate their children and give them a good life when they don't have that much to begin with? If anyone can figure out the answer to this question, please leave me a comment.
I applied to an online Master's program. That fell through because they wanted me to have an undergraduate degree in science. So I applied to an undergraduate program at a nearby private school. In retrospect, I should have done more research before I just jumped in. I was accepted and spent the better part of two weeks running around trying to get my financial aid in order so I could attend classes. Needless to say, I made it. I was happy, everything seemed to be going great. I could finally get a degree that was going to get me into the classroom.
And then I spoke with the head of the graduate education department. Ok, so picture this: you're a 30-year old undergraduate student. You're technically classified as a transfer, except the college you're at wants you to prove that the courses you took waaay back when are 'good enough' for them. You've already missed at least two classes in each course so far, you've overdrawn your credit card trying to pay for books that you needed yesterday....and then, someone tells you that this other program would be a MUCH better fit.
Yes, I would have cried, too. And keep in mind- this is all to get good enough credentials to teach. A career which the book "America's Teachers" calls a SEMI-PROFESSION. You know, like nurses (book's suggestion, not mine!).
I could well go on a tirade about teaching right now, but I won't. That will likely come in later posts.
Anyhow, I decided to drop two courses and keep the others- a chemistry and theater course. Why? Because chemistry is a prerequisite course at most colleges to get to biology, and theater is fun and would keep me at half-time student status so my college loans from the FIRST time could go into deferment for a while. I'll be signing up for the graduate program at the same college in the spring.
Sounds good so far. Get a graduate degree in teaching, get a career. Check. So I'll be taking biology courses at the college where my husband works (far cheaper than the private college) during the day and then taking graduate education courses at night. Ok, a little busy, but I'm sure I can handle it. It'll take about 2-3 years. Ok, that's fairly standard for a Master's degree program.
So where do I fit a child or children into all this?
Conventional wisdom says several things about this particular situation. 1) Get pregnant and let your husband's job cover your maternity leave; 2) Children are expensive! Be sure you can afford the increase in cost!; 3) You can't save up to have a child; 4) Many women are working and having children at the same time; 5) You can wait a long time to have children, just look at all the wonderful medical technologies we have out there so you can have children when you're 40; 6) Don't wait too long to be a parent, otherwise you'll be too old.
Here's what I have to say in response:
1) The college education I am choosing to obtain is going to put us further into debt. I have no illusions about that. My husband's job? He earns LESS every year because health insurance premiums keep rising. And he cannot get a raise because currently the state is trying to cut back on spending. He's not allowed to work a second job because it's in his contract as a 'conflict of interest'.
2) We barely had enough money in our savings account to pay the down payment on our new leased car (necessary, if I was going to take classes). That was our emergency fund, by the way. We have less than $200 in there now. Children are estimated to cost an additional $700 a month (medical expenses, diapers, etc). So....how are we supposed to afford children? Which brings me to the next point....
3) If we can't 'save up' to have a child, when is the best time to do it? When my bank account is empty and our savings is low, and we're paying for hospital bills out the who-ha (back surgery for me; wrist surgery for my husband), plus rent, a lease on a car, and all the other myriad of bills, how the hell are we supposed to save anything? We can't. You might say, "Surely, you can cut back on some spending!", as though we haven't already thought of that. We cut back our Netflix plan to just online streaming (we don't have cable, so this is the only form of entertainment/distraction that we get). We trade work for vegetables at an organic farm once a week. We don't run the air conditioner unless the house hits 80 inside. We water at night. We don't drive more than we have to. If we wanted to go even farther, we could cut Netflix all together, cut our land line, spend even less on groceries or go on food stamps, and that's about it. We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything that isn't at home- not go out to eat, or to the movies, or any kind of entertainment.
4) If I don't even have a job, how can I even think about getting pregnant?
5) I'm already 30. Yeah, I'm feeling that stupid biological clock ticking away here. Not my only reason for wanting to have children, believe me. I don't want to be a whole lot older before I have children because I want to be able to play with them without getting exhausted. Besides, I'd rather do things naturally rather than let medical science play with my ovaries.
6) Same as above, pretty much.
I've read a lot of web sites that say things along the lines of, "You'll be ready to have children when..." and then fill in the blanks. My original thought was to fill in the blanks with: "When you and your husband have a house and you both have steady jobs."
House? Check. At least we're renting one. Both have jobs? Nope. And therein lies the problem that's haunted me for the past year and counting. I can't have children until I have income. We just can't do it. We wouldn't be able to pay for the medical bills it would mean to be pregnant or for the birth, not to mention everything that comes afterwards. So how to other people do this? Not to be offensive, but there are a lot of trailer folk around here with a brood running around. So how to they manage to feed, clothe, and educate their children and give them a good life when they don't have that much to begin with? If anyone can figure out the answer to this question, please leave me a comment.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Hello World
I'm a 30-year-old woman. I'm nearly 6 feet tall, have brown hair, brown eyes, and a lovely smile. I know, it reads like an online dating profile, right? But I am happily married- 4 years as of this September 1st. The reason I'm writing this blog is because I feel I have come to a crossroads that many women my age (or older, or younger) face. So here's the big question:
Do I work, or have children?
I know that this question has probably been hashed over many times, but I thought I'd give my perspective and maybe vent a little for people out there who are in the same situation.
So here goes. I really like kids. I'm the oldest of 3 in my family and the oldest grandchild too, so whenever the family got together for holidays, I was always the automatic babysitter. A terrible curse, I know. But we always had fun, the cousins and siblings and I. When I was old enough, I volunteered for vacation Bible school. I loved having the little ones sit in my lap. I loved to babysit in my neighborhood (although responsibility had yet to reach my adolescent hormone-soaked brain). When I finished college, I decided I wanted to work with kids outdoors. So I became an environmental educator and hopped from camp to camp for about 6 years, loving every minute of it.
Then I met the love of my life. Ok, I met him in college. He was a senior and I was a freshman. We clicked on an Appalachia Service trip and became good friends- long-distance. Somewhere around 2004, I figured out I had feelings. In 2005, we started dating and were married in 2007.
We lived in Boston. I love it there, and wish I could go back every day that I'm not there. Ok, our apartment was nice, our house mates were fabulous, our neighbors brought us home-smoked meats, the farmer's market was right around the corner...anyway. I couldn't find a job as an environmental educator there because most of those jobs were taken, or too far away from where we lived.
That's when someone suggested I be a teacher. Hey, why not? I like working with children. So I decided to try substitute teaching high school biology. Funny, because I only liked my last two years of high school and I couldn't remember much about biology at all. But I did it for 5 months, and I really liked it. And so I took the state tests and became certified by the end of the year...in Earth Science.
I applied for the Earth Science teacher position and some guy who had two Master's degrees got it instead of me. I ended up working as a paraprofessional at that school the next year, then got laid off due to budget cuts. Great! Things were shaping up to be wonderful. Pardon the sarcasm. I continued to persevere and obtained my Biology license, found another substitute job at another school, and taught there for a few months. Then I got my break. Someone in the office suggested I apply at a prestigious nearby private school. I got the job- teaching Biology, Ecology, and Anatomy. It was the best teaching experience I've had so far. I wish every school to be like it.
And then we moved.
Notice how children aren't really popping up in this story? So far, it's all about me establishing myself in my career. Yes, I loved to go 'aww' when I saw children with their mothers at church, and sometimes I'd even find myself watching "A Baby Story" on TLC. Then I'd cry when the mothers were holding their babies after birthing them. *sigh* So my dream at this point was to get my career settled, then maybe think about children in a more realistic, less dream-y sense.
The move was all right. I didn't know it at the time, but picking up heavy stuff was bad for my back. I'd herniated a disc a few years back without knowing it, and I was making it worse. But more on that later. We arrived, unpacked into a teensy-tiny little studio apartment and I immediately started looking for a house. I knew that the prices would be cheaper down here in Georgia- and they were. However, despite the cheapness, we still couldn't quite put forward enough money to afford a house. I started looking at rentals.
You know how they say 'hindsight is 20-20'. Right. In retrospect, if I had to do it again, I'd have immediately started looking for a job at a school. Then I could have worried about a house while pulling in income. Long story short, we moved into a rental house. And then the job market plunged...or perhaps it was already falling by this time. I spent my time looking fruitlessly for a job like many other people and decorating the house, watching our savings dwindle.
I spent 1 year unemployed. It was truly terrible. I feel awful for people who have been unemployed longer than that, and on less. I know you're out there, and I know what it feels like. I resorted to learning to sew to keep myself sane. I found a summer job and had back surgery to relieve the pressure on my disc. Ahh. At least one problem was taken care of.
To be continued...
Do I work, or have children?
I know that this question has probably been hashed over many times, but I thought I'd give my perspective and maybe vent a little for people out there who are in the same situation.
So here goes. I really like kids. I'm the oldest of 3 in my family and the oldest grandchild too, so whenever the family got together for holidays, I was always the automatic babysitter. A terrible curse, I know. But we always had fun, the cousins and siblings and I. When I was old enough, I volunteered for vacation Bible school. I loved having the little ones sit in my lap. I loved to babysit in my neighborhood (although responsibility had yet to reach my adolescent hormone-soaked brain). When I finished college, I decided I wanted to work with kids outdoors. So I became an environmental educator and hopped from camp to camp for about 6 years, loving every minute of it.
Then I met the love of my life. Ok, I met him in college. He was a senior and I was a freshman. We clicked on an Appalachia Service trip and became good friends- long-distance. Somewhere around 2004, I figured out I had feelings. In 2005, we started dating and were married in 2007.
We lived in Boston. I love it there, and wish I could go back every day that I'm not there. Ok, our apartment was nice, our house mates were fabulous, our neighbors brought us home-smoked meats, the farmer's market was right around the corner...anyway. I couldn't find a job as an environmental educator there because most of those jobs were taken, or too far away from where we lived.
That's when someone suggested I be a teacher. Hey, why not? I like working with children. So I decided to try substitute teaching high school biology. Funny, because I only liked my last two years of high school and I couldn't remember much about biology at all. But I did it for 5 months, and I really liked it. And so I took the state tests and became certified by the end of the year...in Earth Science.
I applied for the Earth Science teacher position and some guy who had two Master's degrees got it instead of me. I ended up working as a paraprofessional at that school the next year, then got laid off due to budget cuts. Great! Things were shaping up to be wonderful. Pardon the sarcasm. I continued to persevere and obtained my Biology license, found another substitute job at another school, and taught there for a few months. Then I got my break. Someone in the office suggested I apply at a prestigious nearby private school. I got the job- teaching Biology, Ecology, and Anatomy. It was the best teaching experience I've had so far. I wish every school to be like it.
And then we moved.
Notice how children aren't really popping up in this story? So far, it's all about me establishing myself in my career. Yes, I loved to go 'aww' when I saw children with their mothers at church, and sometimes I'd even find myself watching "A Baby Story" on TLC. Then I'd cry when the mothers were holding their babies after birthing them. *sigh* So my dream at this point was to get my career settled, then maybe think about children in a more realistic, less dream-y sense.
The move was all right. I didn't know it at the time, but picking up heavy stuff was bad for my back. I'd herniated a disc a few years back without knowing it, and I was making it worse. But more on that later. We arrived, unpacked into a teensy-tiny little studio apartment and I immediately started looking for a house. I knew that the prices would be cheaper down here in Georgia- and they were. However, despite the cheapness, we still couldn't quite put forward enough money to afford a house. I started looking at rentals.
You know how they say 'hindsight is 20-20'. Right. In retrospect, if I had to do it again, I'd have immediately started looking for a job at a school. Then I could have worried about a house while pulling in income. Long story short, we moved into a rental house. And then the job market plunged...or perhaps it was already falling by this time. I spent my time looking fruitlessly for a job like many other people and decorating the house, watching our savings dwindle.
I spent 1 year unemployed. It was truly terrible. I feel awful for people who have been unemployed longer than that, and on less. I know you're out there, and I know what it feels like. I resorted to learning to sew to keep myself sane. I found a summer job and had back surgery to relieve the pressure on my disc. Ahh. At least one problem was taken care of.
To be continued...
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