Ok, so I'm not partial to Nike, but "Just do it" seems to be the advice my heart is giving me...
So we're doing this thing. We're teetering on the edge of poverty, I'm applying for grad school, and my husband makes less every year because of his health insurance plan, but we're going to get pregnant. There is still this ideal in my head that I'd written in my journal a while ago, that we'd both have jobs and be in a 'stable financial situation'. Well, on the upside, I now have 2 part-time jobs that will last through December at least, although neither of them add up to more than $100 a week. I am still ecstatic that I have them. Last year, I had nothing.
Lots of fears come to mind, of course. I'm 30. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, birth, and most important of all, baby. I'm trying not to read too much literature on infertility (most of which applies after you're 35 anyway). I'm trying to be reasonable about my expectations and fears about conceiving (which is impossible). I stopped taking my birth control pill this past weekend. I feel elated- freed- and now I'm trying to figure out when I'll ovulate. I have a guess based on the periods I had on the Pill, but I'm not about to wait 3 months to establish a regular cycle before we conceive. Too long. I'm hoping that we'll just magically have luck this month and poof! Baby.
In the meantime, I'm not going to freak out and become super-obsessed with reading everything. I am going to maintain a good healthy self by regular de-stressing (yoga, baths), exercising to keep my body in optimal condition, eating healthy portions of delicious foods, and letting things happen when and as they will.
God willing, everything will work out right.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hello World, part 2
Where was I? Oh, yes, I had finally gotten a job and had back surgery to relieve the pain I was feeling. At this point, I was working every other week. The paycheck was enough to cover the rental car we had to get because we only owned one vehicle. So I was practically working for free. To make matters worse, I'd been looking for a teaching job since December without much luck. I applied to 5-6 jobs and got 0 interviews. So time was running short. At the beginning of August, I decided it was time to go back to school.
I applied to an online Master's program. That fell through because they wanted me to have an undergraduate degree in science. So I applied to an undergraduate program at a nearby private school. In retrospect, I should have done more research before I just jumped in. I was accepted and spent the better part of two weeks running around trying to get my financial aid in order so I could attend classes. Needless to say, I made it. I was happy, everything seemed to be going great. I could finally get a degree that was going to get me into the classroom.
And then I spoke with the head of the graduate education department. Ok, so picture this: you're a 30-year old undergraduate student. You're technically classified as a transfer, except the college you're at wants you to prove that the courses you took waaay back when are 'good enough' for them. You've already missed at least two classes in each course so far, you've overdrawn your credit card trying to pay for books that you needed yesterday....and then, someone tells you that this other program would be a MUCH better fit.
Yes, I would have cried, too. And keep in mind- this is all to get good enough credentials to teach. A career which the book "America's Teachers" calls a SEMI-PROFESSION. You know, like nurses (book's suggestion, not mine!).
I could well go on a tirade about teaching right now, but I won't. That will likely come in later posts.
Anyhow, I decided to drop two courses and keep the others- a chemistry and theater course. Why? Because chemistry is a prerequisite course at most colleges to get to biology, and theater is fun and would keep me at half-time student status so my college loans from the FIRST time could go into deferment for a while. I'll be signing up for the graduate program at the same college in the spring.
Sounds good so far. Get a graduate degree in teaching, get a career. Check. So I'll be taking biology courses at the college where my husband works (far cheaper than the private college) during the day and then taking graduate education courses at night. Ok, a little busy, but I'm sure I can handle it. It'll take about 2-3 years. Ok, that's fairly standard for a Master's degree program.
So where do I fit a child or children into all this?
Conventional wisdom says several things about this particular situation. 1) Get pregnant and let your husband's job cover your maternity leave; 2) Children are expensive! Be sure you can afford the increase in cost!; 3) You can't save up to have a child; 4) Many women are working and having children at the same time; 5) You can wait a long time to have children, just look at all the wonderful medical technologies we have out there so you can have children when you're 40; 6) Don't wait too long to be a parent, otherwise you'll be too old.
Here's what I have to say in response:
1) The college education I am choosing to obtain is going to put us further into debt. I have no illusions about that. My husband's job? He earns LESS every year because health insurance premiums keep rising. And he cannot get a raise because currently the state is trying to cut back on spending. He's not allowed to work a second job because it's in his contract as a 'conflict of interest'.
2) We barely had enough money in our savings account to pay the down payment on our new leased car (necessary, if I was going to take classes). That was our emergency fund, by the way. We have less than $200 in there now. Children are estimated to cost an additional $700 a month (medical expenses, diapers, etc). So....how are we supposed to afford children? Which brings me to the next point....
3) If we can't 'save up' to have a child, when is the best time to do it? When my bank account is empty and our savings is low, and we're paying for hospital bills out the who-ha (back surgery for me; wrist surgery for my husband), plus rent, a lease on a car, and all the other myriad of bills, how the hell are we supposed to save anything? We can't. You might say, "Surely, you can cut back on some spending!", as though we haven't already thought of that. We cut back our Netflix plan to just online streaming (we don't have cable, so this is the only form of entertainment/distraction that we get). We trade work for vegetables at an organic farm once a week. We don't run the air conditioner unless the house hits 80 inside. We water at night. We don't drive more than we have to. If we wanted to go even farther, we could cut Netflix all together, cut our land line, spend even less on groceries or go on food stamps, and that's about it. We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything that isn't at home- not go out to eat, or to the movies, or any kind of entertainment.
4) If I don't even have a job, how can I even think about getting pregnant?
5) I'm already 30. Yeah, I'm feeling that stupid biological clock ticking away here. Not my only reason for wanting to have children, believe me. I don't want to be a whole lot older before I have children because I want to be able to play with them without getting exhausted. Besides, I'd rather do things naturally rather than let medical science play with my ovaries.
6) Same as above, pretty much.
I've read a lot of web sites that say things along the lines of, "You'll be ready to have children when..." and then fill in the blanks. My original thought was to fill in the blanks with: "When you and your husband have a house and you both have steady jobs."
House? Check. At least we're renting one. Both have jobs? Nope. And therein lies the problem that's haunted me for the past year and counting. I can't have children until I have income. We just can't do it. We wouldn't be able to pay for the medical bills it would mean to be pregnant or for the birth, not to mention everything that comes afterwards. So how to other people do this? Not to be offensive, but there are a lot of trailer folk around here with a brood running around. So how to they manage to feed, clothe, and educate their children and give them a good life when they don't have that much to begin with? If anyone can figure out the answer to this question, please leave me a comment.
I applied to an online Master's program. That fell through because they wanted me to have an undergraduate degree in science. So I applied to an undergraduate program at a nearby private school. In retrospect, I should have done more research before I just jumped in. I was accepted and spent the better part of two weeks running around trying to get my financial aid in order so I could attend classes. Needless to say, I made it. I was happy, everything seemed to be going great. I could finally get a degree that was going to get me into the classroom.
And then I spoke with the head of the graduate education department. Ok, so picture this: you're a 30-year old undergraduate student. You're technically classified as a transfer, except the college you're at wants you to prove that the courses you took waaay back when are 'good enough' for them. You've already missed at least two classes in each course so far, you've overdrawn your credit card trying to pay for books that you needed yesterday....and then, someone tells you that this other program would be a MUCH better fit.
Yes, I would have cried, too. And keep in mind- this is all to get good enough credentials to teach. A career which the book "America's Teachers" calls a SEMI-PROFESSION. You know, like nurses (book's suggestion, not mine!).
I could well go on a tirade about teaching right now, but I won't. That will likely come in later posts.
Anyhow, I decided to drop two courses and keep the others- a chemistry and theater course. Why? Because chemistry is a prerequisite course at most colleges to get to biology, and theater is fun and would keep me at half-time student status so my college loans from the FIRST time could go into deferment for a while. I'll be signing up for the graduate program at the same college in the spring.
Sounds good so far. Get a graduate degree in teaching, get a career. Check. So I'll be taking biology courses at the college where my husband works (far cheaper than the private college) during the day and then taking graduate education courses at night. Ok, a little busy, but I'm sure I can handle it. It'll take about 2-3 years. Ok, that's fairly standard for a Master's degree program.
So where do I fit a child or children into all this?
Conventional wisdom says several things about this particular situation. 1) Get pregnant and let your husband's job cover your maternity leave; 2) Children are expensive! Be sure you can afford the increase in cost!; 3) You can't save up to have a child; 4) Many women are working and having children at the same time; 5) You can wait a long time to have children, just look at all the wonderful medical technologies we have out there so you can have children when you're 40; 6) Don't wait too long to be a parent, otherwise you'll be too old.
Here's what I have to say in response:
1) The college education I am choosing to obtain is going to put us further into debt. I have no illusions about that. My husband's job? He earns LESS every year because health insurance premiums keep rising. And he cannot get a raise because currently the state is trying to cut back on spending. He's not allowed to work a second job because it's in his contract as a 'conflict of interest'.
2) We barely had enough money in our savings account to pay the down payment on our new leased car (necessary, if I was going to take classes). That was our emergency fund, by the way. We have less than $200 in there now. Children are estimated to cost an additional $700 a month (medical expenses, diapers, etc). So....how are we supposed to afford children? Which brings me to the next point....
3) If we can't 'save up' to have a child, when is the best time to do it? When my bank account is empty and our savings is low, and we're paying for hospital bills out the who-ha (back surgery for me; wrist surgery for my husband), plus rent, a lease on a car, and all the other myriad of bills, how the hell are we supposed to save anything? We can't. You might say, "Surely, you can cut back on some spending!", as though we haven't already thought of that. We cut back our Netflix plan to just online streaming (we don't have cable, so this is the only form of entertainment/distraction that we get). We trade work for vegetables at an organic farm once a week. We don't run the air conditioner unless the house hits 80 inside. We water at night. We don't drive more than we have to. If we wanted to go even farther, we could cut Netflix all together, cut our land line, spend even less on groceries or go on food stamps, and that's about it. We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything that isn't at home- not go out to eat, or to the movies, or any kind of entertainment.
4) If I don't even have a job, how can I even think about getting pregnant?
5) I'm already 30. Yeah, I'm feeling that stupid biological clock ticking away here. Not my only reason for wanting to have children, believe me. I don't want to be a whole lot older before I have children because I want to be able to play with them without getting exhausted. Besides, I'd rather do things naturally rather than let medical science play with my ovaries.
6) Same as above, pretty much.
I've read a lot of web sites that say things along the lines of, "You'll be ready to have children when..." and then fill in the blanks. My original thought was to fill in the blanks with: "When you and your husband have a house and you both have steady jobs."
House? Check. At least we're renting one. Both have jobs? Nope. And therein lies the problem that's haunted me for the past year and counting. I can't have children until I have income. We just can't do it. We wouldn't be able to pay for the medical bills it would mean to be pregnant or for the birth, not to mention everything that comes afterwards. So how to other people do this? Not to be offensive, but there are a lot of trailer folk around here with a brood running around. So how to they manage to feed, clothe, and educate their children and give them a good life when they don't have that much to begin with? If anyone can figure out the answer to this question, please leave me a comment.
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