Losing it

No, I'm not talking miscarriage.

I'm talking about losing my mind.

First off, I am SO excited because my sister-in-law is in labor today! Hopefully by tonight we'll have us a healthy new member of the family.

Secondly, I am so upset because I want to be that one. I want to be pregnant. I want to be giving birth. I want to have a child! I've spent all afternoon trying to focus on the happy, positive emotions for my brother and his wife and their child. But instead my thoughts keeps wandering to why I'm not getting pregnant and I get this tightening in my throat and anxiety butterflies in my stomach. I keep wanting to cry.

And God, I see babies everywhere! Damn Facebook for putting these stories directly in my face. All I see are cute pictures of everyone's babies and announcements about pregnancies, and baby yoga, and birthdays, and pictures of babies freakin' everywhere. It's like when you're fasting off a certain food and suddenly people all around you are proclaiming its awesomeness and asking you if you've had any (insert food like chocolate here). And you can't have any, for one reason or another.

I'm also on a Candida-restricted diet because my doctor thinks I'm allergic to yeast. And maybe wheat, eggs, or milk also. So I can't have any of those things, and it's making me awfully crabby. Yes, I'm eating better and eating more vegetables. But I really miss having a cookie or two (can't have any sugar, potentially forever if this is true!). I'm not feeling a tremendous difference in my energy level like other people who've gone on this diet. So I feel like it's a load of B.S. as far as I'm concerned. After this, I'm still going to try to avoid excess sugar, but good gracious! It's in everything!! I keep wondering if this diet will help me get pregnant. Maybe. Maybe not.

At least I have some good company, because misery loves company, correct? Two friends of mine, one my age and the other older, are both interested/trying to conceive as well. One told me a heart-wrenching story about an earlier miscarriage, even though she seems very upbeat about trying again, now that she knows what was wrong (and has had it fixed). I keep trying to have faith. But it's so hard. So, so hard. And my husband's feeling it, too. I know we need to relax and not stress out about it, but when is a good time to visit a doctor and ask, "Why am I not getting pregnant?"

Namaste.