Everybody Hurts...Sometimes

Still have Class From Hell. I was so frustrated yesterday with the attitudes, negative remarks, and then turned around to find one student taping me with her iPad. I wanted to strangle her. Instead, I went across the hall to the counselor's office and tearfully asked if someone could cover my class while I wept in their office.

I've just had enough. If I could quit that one school, I would drop the job like a hot potato. I only have them for 6 more days. It's not just the behavioral disorders. The administration is completely disorganized and they do not run things efficiently. I have a conflict in my schedule coming up and so far no one I've contacted has been able to figure out what I'll be doing the week of 'finals', not to mention where I will be teaching after the break. I hope to God it's not MIHS. I will end up insane by the end of the year if I have to work there full time.

On top of that, I ovulated a mere 5 days ago and woke up to discover my temps had dropped this morning. Damn it! I feel...inadequate. Inferior. Like God is punishing me for something I've done or haven't done (there goes that great old Catholic guilt trip). I feel terrible that I can't get pregnant. I feel frustrated. I feel depressed. I feel like I just don't care anymore. I feel like my husband loves me more than I love him and that it has something to do with it, even though logically (and biologically) this makes no sense.

I've scheduled an appointment with an OB-GYN. Next step is to look into what's wrong with me. Or him. Or both of us. I feel so ashamed of my inadequacy to conceive. I feel like I'm a disappointment.

My MIL has been knitting baby things non-stop. She hasn't said a word to me about it, but I know she and my mom would be thrilled to be grandmothers.

And everyone around me either has young children or is pregnant. I know one other friend who is trying to get pregnant, but it's kind of awkward to bring that up with someone..."So, I hear you can't get pregnant either...?"

I just need to take a vacation from this madness.

Burned out

I am so done with this semester. Both for teaching and being a student. Juggling a full-time job and being a graduate student has eaten up all of my time. I barely have time to eat and sleep these days. Even my Thanksgiving vacation was spent grading a giant stack of papers and writing my research proposal. I plan my lessons on the fly, which I know is not great to do, but I really don't have the time I need to plan (I don't get a planning period during the week, unless you count the 50-minute period I get for travel between the two schools, eating lunch, and making copies/setting up labs).

And did I mention I have the Class from Hell this quarter? A good half of them don't care if they pass the class and are just waiting until they are 16 to drop out, all of them are addicted to their iPads (worst idea ever, giving them all iPads and not blocking every single social media web site/app), and I find myself talking over them all the time. I've tried everything with this class, and nothing has worked longer than a day. I find myself wishing there was some sort of Student Whisperer, you know, like that guy Cesar who works with dogs? Maybe then they would actually care about learning some science.

As you can tell, I'm very stressed out. I have had the longest cycle on record. I thought I ovulated yesterday due to a temperature hike, but this morning it fell way down again. Part of me is just like, screw it, why do I even bother keeping track? And I'm going to a baby shower this weekend, which still hurts emotionally even though I feel like it shouldn't bother me at all.

I suppose I should just be grateful for uninterrupted sleep at night, days that I don't have to come home and take care of a child after long days at work, and not having to worry about all of that. I'll stop complaining now. I know parenting is hard. And my life is hard enough right now without adding to it. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise...