I've been so busy! Everyone says it. And I try to stay busy, because when I'm idle, negative thoughts have a tendency to creep into my head. So I find something to do, even when there is nothing to be done. Actually, I find something passive to do, even though I should be doing something active or constructive.
I'm worried about my DH. The week we got his second semen analysis back, his car wouldn't start. This is weird, because his car is a new lease, whereas mine is a 2004. So we ended up carpooling. And we got his results when we were in the car together. I think God was trying to help us give each other support.
The results were worse than last time: low count, very low to no motility, and no normal sperm (again). This is crushing news, because without normal sperm, we'll have to resort to more invasive techniques.
I feel awful- my cycle isn't anywhere near normal, but I don't feel as bad about it because I know I can take drugs to help it get back on track. DH feels depressed, grief, anger, frustration- he can't change his morphology, and there have been very few studies on what make sperm abnormal to begin with (which seems ridiculously unfair to both male and female partners). I know we have a plan, so I feel okay about it. I've been coping all right with stuff now that I've edited my Facebook feed for content (ie: less baby pics). But DH has been brooding over his issue. I really think we need a follow-up soon. Or a counseling appointment for us.
We've talked about how we want to handle the moral and ethical considerations of some of the reproductive technologies (see previous post for more on that). I think that it is at least smart to start on the fertility drugs and try for 3 months, praying for a miracle. That will give me time to finish teaching. Our summer schedule is much more flexible and would allow us more time for doctor's visits for IUI or in vitro if that's what it comes down to.
Overall, I hope that we'll miraculously get pregnant during the 3 month 'natural' time (please, God?) and not have to go forward with any other treatment, but we'll just have to wait and see.
