Still here

It's the end of the school year. I've said goodbye to all the students that I've come to know over the 180ish days that we were together. I am relieved, exhausted, depressed, and tired. This transition is always difficult. It's a time of reflection, looking back over the huge pile of all the things that have happened and trying to decide what went well and what didn't.

It's also the time when all of my 'other life' worries become much more prominent. It's easy to push them aside to focus on work, but now that work load is light and my brain immediately steers me toward the most pressing thing on my mind: infertility.

I can't even remember if it's 2 or 3 years since we started trying. Our basic diagnosis is that I am generally okay with producing eggs (although my luteal phase is much shorter than my doc wants it to be) and my husband can't produce any good sperm. That's really our problem. So I find it hilarious when we go to the doc and it's MY blood pressure, MY height/weight, etc that gets checked. Next time, I'm going to make HIM sit on the table.

My heart feels broken. I've been trying to push off this feeling for as long as I can, but now with nothing else to focus on, it's back with a vengeance. I survived Mother's Day in church by sternly telling myself that I was NOT going to cry.

I've been having arguments with myself about continuing with treatments- IUI would be our next step, and the Church says 'maybe' it's okay, or 'no, you're sinning'? DH doesn't want to do it. He wants to wait another cycle to see if things happen on their own. But they are obviously not happening on their own, that's why we're seeing a fertility doctor in the first place!

I want to continue with treatment. I feel called to be a mother, and I know DH feels called to be a father. This is our vocation, and I just have a hard time believing that God puts a desire in your heart for a child and then denies you the means to achieve that desire. If IUI doesn't work, then we'll debate the next step in the road: in vitro or adoption. I'm not emotionally or psychologically ready for that yet.

All we want is a family of our own. Is that so much to ask?

Snow Days

I've been so busy! Everyone says it. And I try to stay busy, because when I'm idle, negative thoughts have a tendency to creep into my head. So I find something to do, even when there is nothing to be done. Actually, I find something passive to do, even though I should be doing something active or constructive.

I'm worried about my DH. The week we got his second semen analysis back, his car wouldn't start. This is weird, because his car is a new lease, whereas mine is a 2004. So we ended up carpooling. And we got his results when we were in the car together. I think God was trying to help us give each other support.

The results were worse than last time: low count, very low to no motility, and no normal sperm (again). This is crushing news, because without normal sperm, we'll have to resort to more invasive techniques.

I feel awful- my cycle isn't anywhere near normal, but I don't feel as bad about it because I know I can take drugs to help it get back on track. DH feels depressed, grief, anger, frustration- he can't change his morphology, and there have been very few studies on what make sperm abnormal to begin with (which seems ridiculously unfair to both male and female partners). I know we have a plan, so I feel okay about it. I've been coping all right with stuff now that I've edited my Facebook feed for content (ie: less baby pics). But DH has been brooding over his issue. I really think we need a follow-up soon. Or a counseling appointment for us.

We've talked about how we want to handle the moral and ethical considerations of some of the reproductive technologies (see previous post for more on that). I think that it is at least smart to start on the fertility drugs and try for 3 months, praying for a miracle. That will give me time to finish teaching. Our summer schedule is much more flexible and would allow us more time for doctor's visits for IUI or in vitro if that's what it comes down to.

Overall, I hope that we'll miraculously get pregnant during the 3 month 'natural' time (please, God?) and not have to go forward with any other treatment, but we'll just have to wait and see.