Riddles in the Dark

I had a HSG, or hysterosalpingogram today.

Well, I should say the HSG was attempted, but not actually done. After about an hour of hanging out and waiting for various tests to come back (one of which was a pregnancy test, ironically), I was finally called into the room. I put on one of those oh-so-stylish gowns, got situated on a very uncomfortable table, and had an x-ray taken of my lady bits.

Then the technician came in to get started. Basically, it's like a pelvic exam you get at your OB-GYN. They inserted a speculum and the technician then started to try to get the catheter with the dye inserted. She kept up a running dialogue of questions with me, so I felt all right, trying to breathe, stay calm and relaxed.

Then she kept saying, "Darn! Your cervix is tilted. Hold on while I move the speculum a little bit." More poking and prodding ensued. This happened 3 times. Then she finally said, "Well, it looks like it's not going in. I'm going to try to put in some dye." Of course, the dye immediately leaked out again, leaving me with the unpleasant sensation that I had wet myself. Great.

After that, she took everything out and told me the bad news. "Your cervix is blocked at the top. You'll have to have it dilated/cleared at the OB-GYN office and then come back here."

At least I know what part of the problem is- in fact, I hope that's the ONLY problem I have. Part of me wonders what it is- a cyst? Cancerous or not? My Pap was normal, so I hope that's not the case. Scarring? Part of me wonders if I had a miscarriage and just didn't know it. I wasn't charting for the first couple of months, and I had no idea what was going on in my body or what was normal for me.

I read that dilating REALLY hurts...I'm anxious about it, but if it will get me a cleared passage to see that everything else is normal, then I'm doing it. I just really hope that this is the most invasive procedure I have to go through and that everything else is fine after this.

*sigh*

Namaste.

I get so emotional...

Finally got myself to the OB-GYN for my yearly checkup. All is normal, at least to superficial appearances. And now, to begin the invasive tests to find out what's going on. I have to get my thyroid checked. Then I'll be having a hormone check and a uterine ultrasound.

Part of me is relieved that I'm finally getting checked out, and the other part of me is disappointed that I have to go through this instead of just being able to get pregnant like a normal person. I guess it's better to get checked and see if I'm normal than just continue being anxious about getting pregnant.

I also saw some pictures of my nephew with my grandmother that my sister-in-law took while we were on vacation and basically just started bawling. I am sad that we will have children too late for my grandmother to meet them, too.

I've been really emotional the last few days. Part of me hopes that I'm pregnant already, but the doubting part of me says don't get your hopes up.

*sigh*

Maybe I need some special baby-making juju from acupuncture. I'd do it if I weren't so scared of needles.

What is wrong with me?

Another month, another two weeks of agonizing wait. My temperature dropped this morning, although some part of me still holds out a perverse hope that it is just an implantation 'dip'. This is unlikely because the temperature dropped significantly. If this is the case, I just had an 8-day luteal phase.

Something is clearly wrong with me. I do think my hormones are out of whack. I'm going to get a yearly checkup in a couple of weeks, and then it's off to see a fertility specialist.

It is even more painful when my students ask me if I have children, and when I say no, they say "Why not? Don't you want to have children?"

Everything in me wants to scream, "YES, I want children, but I can't have any because I am infertile! So stop f*ing asking me that question!!!"

I can't stand to look at Facebook any more because of all the baby pictures of friends. It's even hard when they come to visit and let me hold their sweet little one. It makes it all the more painful.

Anyway, I must get ready for work, which I now hate. Is it winter break yet?

Still nothing...

Off to see the OB-GYN and fertility specialist in a few weeks...wish me luck.

I still feel like a failure, even though I know it doesn't work that way. My biology is just screwed up. I'm sure it's something with hormones...

We'll see.

*sigh*

Everybody Hurts...Sometimes

Still have Class From Hell. I was so frustrated yesterday with the attitudes, negative remarks, and then turned around to find one student taping me with her iPad. I wanted to strangle her. Instead, I went across the hall to the counselor's office and tearfully asked if someone could cover my class while I wept in their office.

I've just had enough. If I could quit that one school, I would drop the job like a hot potato. I only have them for 6 more days. It's not just the behavioral disorders. The administration is completely disorganized and they do not run things efficiently. I have a conflict in my schedule coming up and so far no one I've contacted has been able to figure out what I'll be doing the week of 'finals', not to mention where I will be teaching after the break. I hope to God it's not MIHS. I will end up insane by the end of the year if I have to work there full time.

On top of that, I ovulated a mere 5 days ago and woke up to discover my temps had dropped this morning. Damn it! I feel...inadequate. Inferior. Like God is punishing me for something I've done or haven't done (there goes that great old Catholic guilt trip). I feel terrible that I can't get pregnant. I feel frustrated. I feel depressed. I feel like I just don't care anymore. I feel like my husband loves me more than I love him and that it has something to do with it, even though logically (and biologically) this makes no sense.

I've scheduled an appointment with an OB-GYN. Next step is to look into what's wrong with me. Or him. Or both of us. I feel so ashamed of my inadequacy to conceive. I feel like I'm a disappointment.

My MIL has been knitting baby things non-stop. She hasn't said a word to me about it, but I know she and my mom would be thrilled to be grandmothers.

And everyone around me either has young children or is pregnant. I know one other friend who is trying to get pregnant, but it's kind of awkward to bring that up with someone..."So, I hear you can't get pregnant either...?"

I just need to take a vacation from this madness.

Burned out

I am so done with this semester. Both for teaching and being a student. Juggling a full-time job and being a graduate student has eaten up all of my time. I barely have time to eat and sleep these days. Even my Thanksgiving vacation was spent grading a giant stack of papers and writing my research proposal. I plan my lessons on the fly, which I know is not great to do, but I really don't have the time I need to plan (I don't get a planning period during the week, unless you count the 50-minute period I get for travel between the two schools, eating lunch, and making copies/setting up labs).

And did I mention I have the Class from Hell this quarter? A good half of them don't care if they pass the class and are just waiting until they are 16 to drop out, all of them are addicted to their iPads (worst idea ever, giving them all iPads and not blocking every single social media web site/app), and I find myself talking over them all the time. I've tried everything with this class, and nothing has worked longer than a day. I find myself wishing there was some sort of Student Whisperer, you know, like that guy Cesar who works with dogs? Maybe then they would actually care about learning some science.

As you can tell, I'm very stressed out. I have had the longest cycle on record. I thought I ovulated yesterday due to a temperature hike, but this morning it fell way down again. Part of me is just like, screw it, why do I even bother keeping track? And I'm going to a baby shower this weekend, which still hurts emotionally even though I feel like it shouldn't bother me at all.

I suppose I should just be grateful for uninterrupted sleep at night, days that I don't have to come home and take care of a child after long days at work, and not having to worry about all of that. I'll stop complaining now. I know parenting is hard. And my life is hard enough right now without adding to it. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise...

Waiting, again

My life has exploded with busy-ness. I'm working a full-time job that feels like 2 jobs (and at 12 hours a day I spend working on curriculum, teaching, and grading, it IS two jobs) and taking 3 graduate courses to complete my Master's degree. It is complete insanity.

Yet somehow in the midst of all this, I still want to get pregnant? I must be crazy.

We've been trying to time this just right, because I want to have the baby during the summer 'off' months. This has become less and less important to me as the goal has really become 'just get pregnant whenever'. Now that I have a job, maternity leave will be available (I hope!) next school year.

This is our third cycle of trying. There have been times when I've been really frustrated because it felt like we were just going through the motions instead of really being in the moment. I keep wondering if something is physically wrong with me. I'm glad I learned the FAM method, because I know my body better than I ever have, but I am also concerned that I may not be able to get pregnant without help. It makes me feel inadequate.

In any case, I'm in the midst of THE two-week wait. Praying that my temps stay high past day 16, since that's been the longest my luteal phase has gone so far.We'll see....