We have zygotes!!

I am beside myself with excitement and hope. 2 out of the 3 eggs successfully fertilized! Here's to hoping they will both continue to develop beautifully.

I am a human pincushion

Today is day 4 of stim shots. I was reading about some people who do them for 10 days. That's at least 20 little holes in your abdomen! Lucky me, I only have 8 so far. It's gotten harder as the days go on. I am trying to rotate which sides the Menopur and Ganirelix go on to reduce the tenderness, but there is less and less 'good skin' that hasn't already been poked in the last couple nights. I had a lot of trouble with the Ganirelix tonight- had to start, stop, and then try another spot after icing it for a few more minutes.

My abdomen is also feeling really tender from the growth of all the follicles. I feel bloated and can feel ovarian 'twinges' throughout the day. I know I don't have it as bad as someone on a full IVF cycle, but the discomfort is growing noticeably. More ice tonight and yoga pants. And chocolate chip cookies, even though I'm trying to cut back on refined sugar.

I got a surprise call from a nurse this morning. I was on my way out the door to belly dance. She was like, "You need to come in." So I panicked, called my husband, and we drove up there together. We got a message from the doctor en route that my estrogen levels had dropped. He was worried that I had already ovulated despite the Ganirelix and wanted to check.

So I had yet another trans-vaginal ultrasound (really the LEAST painful part of this whole process) and another needle stick in my right arm to check the estrogen levels. The nurse really wasn't sure about where my ovaries were...that made me a little nervous, although she took lots of pictures to show the doctor.

Then we went out for a drive and a walk. Being outside always makes me feel more stable and peaceful. I got a call later today saying that my estrogen was still pretty low, so crank up the Menopur by a dose. Luckily this just means adding another vial to the water and not another separate shot. I'm going to get checked tomorrow morning. Praying so hard for good estrogen levels so that I can get my trigger shot.

If I do get the okay, it looks like Tuesday will be retrieval day. I'm excited and nervous. I know this upcoming week is just going to be a blur. I'm just holding on for the ride!

Shots shots shots shots....not the fun kind....

I had my first IVF appointment today. Consequently, this meant I got almost no sleep last night as I was up trying to prepare my lesson plan for the class I was getting observed in today. I had weird dreams about being at a Boy Scout camp. Huh.

Driving to the appointment was probably the most stressful- that I-75/24 split can be pretty hairy even at the  best of times. There was a bit of a slowdown, but not much. I arrived at 8:00, just as the office opened. I waited until I saw someone else go in and then grabbed my stuff and hightailed it in. Good thing, too, because the office got pretty crowded after that.

The ultrasound looked good- he said about 6 follicles. That's more than I expected, although I predict the number will drop some as they get close to maturation. I had blood drawn to look at my estrogen. They said I might have to start my shots, so I got some clarification from the nurses about how to mix the Menopur (two vials of dry, 10 cc's water).

Then I went to teach. I had to tell my students that I "donated blood" because a lot of them were curious about my purple arm band (that matched my shirt, thanks lady!). I tried not to think about the results. Got a call later that I could go ahead and start the Menopur and Ganirellex tonight.

Went out for dinner with DH and a friend. That was a good and needed break. We talked about how frustrating students can be sometimes. DH had some work to do, so he went back to the office and I went home. I fell asleep on the couch almost instantly until it was time to take my shots.

I am a type-A personality, so I had to get everything set up on the counter just the right way with the directions read like a million times before I started. I started with the Menopur. Mixing wasn't hard (if you can cook following a recipe, you can give yourself these shots no problem). I iced my abdomen before I did it- that really helped it go more smoothly. I just thought, "Push!" when I needed to get the needle in. Funny, if everything is successful, I'll be thinking the same thing about 9 months from now... Anyway, it was fine. The Ganirellex was already pre-loaded. I had a little more trouble on that one because I forgot to tap out the bubbles. I had to withdraw it and try again. That side is a little more irritated than the other. Oh well. I will rotate sides tomorrow. I iced it and hopefully that will help it be less irritated tonight.

I'm glad I could do it myself. The needles were pretty short, like the ones I usually have for my allergy shots, so that wasn't a problem. Now I just wonder about the side effects....hopefully I won't be a blubbering mess tomorrow or the rest of the week. One can only hope!

Next appointment is on Friday. Here's to hoping and praying all continues to go well! Go follicles go!

Namaste.

The Path Diverges

DH and I are feeling pretty awful right now. We just tried our 3rd cycle on Femara with no luck. My sister in law is about to give birth to our second nephew. We are both just trying to process what to do next.

My feelings are trapped in me like a bubble of angst that just gets bigger and bigger. I tried talking to both my best friend and my Mom about it, but couldn't interrupt the supposedly happy conversations we were having to unload my negative ones, so it just became more entrapped and ensnared. I am feeling angry and frustrated that our bodies just won't do what they are 'supposed to' do; what other people seem to have no trouble doing at all. I'm angry that we are going to have to pay to have a child, one way or another; that our insurance probably covers ending a life in abortion, but not starting one in IVF or adoption. I am terrified at the medical procedures that might give us a child but might not; might cause my ovaries to hypertrophy. I don't like needles. I can't even look when they give me my 3 allergy shots at the doc's every week. Every week. I should be used to being poked by now, right? I am sad and heartbroken because my DH just can't deal with the fact that his sperm isn't adequate enough to fertilize my eggs, even though he is taking FertilAid. I know he feels incompetent, but it isn't his fault. We are both depressed and anxious.

Our next step is to meet with our fertility doc and see where to go from here. Initially, I thought I wanted to try IUI and then move up to IVF, but now I just want a child as soon as possible. I have grown tired of waiting, of heartbreak. Our church would say that this is a selfish motive, that we should just adopt. And we have friends who did adopt. They are incredibly happy with their little boy. We got to meet him this week. They are certainly going through an adjustment process, but they are a happy little family. It made me re-think- why should we choose IVF? Why not adopt? So now there are a few choices on the table:

1) Adopt and give up the dream of having a biological child. DH is not ready for that yet, and neither am I.
2) Natural IVF, hopefully starting next month. Lower chances than regular IVF, but no needles involved. I have the time to drive to their office every day for an ultrasound or blood work. This appeals to me and DH. And it's cheaper.
3) Stimulated IVF. This would be $$$$$ and then we have to wrestle with the issue of the frozen remaining embryos (assuming there are any), storage, etc.

Obviously we are leaning strongly toward #2. I guess I just want to see what the doc has to say about it, but I am about 90% sure that is the option we would like to move forward with for at least the next 3 cycles. I have had decent cycles on Femara. Natural IVF goes straight to ICSI, which would bypass my DH's part of the issue. Then we just have to hope that it fertilizes and divides into a blastocyst and that it implants and stays.

Also, how do people educate their relatives on this? My MIL still seems to think this is a 'just relax and everything will be fine' problem. It's a fu**ing biological problem, and there is NO way that relaxing is going to help AT ALL!! Ok, maybe relaxing during the procedures will help it hurt less, but still....me thinks they still don't understand.

Anyone else out there try natural IVF and have good success?

Heaven and Hell

I'm on a rant, so please excuse if I don't make any sense.

I went to church this morning (my religion is Roman Catholic), without my husband (sick at home). I was enjoying the feel of fellowship and participating in Mass. Then we got to the Homily. Guess what, same thing every year: anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. Anti-abortion talk starts.

My reaction: Ok, same thing every year. Support the unborn and those struggling with unexpected pregnancy (teens? I always wonder who the people that show up at the crisis center are...). Don't wantonly abort a child just because they are unwanted.

The homily continues: Don't use contraception because it's a sin; because marriage should be the only place where couples have sex for the express purpose of having children. Couples should never use contraception because then they are simply expressing carnal love and not spiritually connecting, and that is a sin.

My reaction: Ok, same thing again. Of course, if people USED contraception and were educated about their bodies and sex, maybe there wouldn't BE as many people desperate and considering abortion.

Priest: Contraception CAUSES abortions because people get addicted to the 'high' of having sex for fun and then whoops when a baby comes and they just casually decide to get rid of the 'consequence'.

Me: Ok, no. I don't think so. Using contraception would PREVENT abortion. Ok, yes, our society at this point DOES flaunt sex, causes people (mostly women) to be viewed as mere objects (seriously, have you watched any commercials lately??). I do agree that when we objectify others we dehumanize them and turn them into commodities to be bought and sold. That leads to trouble.

Priest: And these test-tube babies, these designer babies. People can now choose the sex of their unborn baby. In China, there are people choosing babies based on their intelligence! They can choose not to have a baby that would have a disability! Who are we to say who can be born or not?

Me: WOAH. Hold on. Is he talking about IVF? Ok, yes, I've heard of couples who select for gender. WTF is this thing about China? There is NO WAY to currently test a zygote for intelligence! Now the science teacher part of me is mad. And yes, some people who know they have a genetically inherited disease in their family choose to have the embryos screened and choose one that does not have the disease. Ok, and now we get into gray territory. I'm furious because he is painting everyone with the same broad brush of 'sinner, sinner' and I'm sitting here listening to him equate contraceptive use with abortion and then IVF with unethical killing of unborn lives and science playing God. All huge, complex moral topics that are NOT black and white. I have never wanted to leave church before, but at that moment, I wanted to get up and walk out.

Priest: Goes on to talk about child slavery, human trafficking, etc. Of course, we should be compassionate towards those who are currently experiencing infertility...

I left church feeling really, really angry and more upset than I've been in a while. Don't couples struggling with infertility already have ENOUGH on their plate? Now we have to deal with morality issues from the church as well??

When I got home, I shared with my husband my concerns. We looked up some of the treatments to see what the Church considers ethical. Pretty much this: natural conception, surgery, some fertility drugs, and that's it. No IUI, no GIFT or ZIFT; and certainly no IVF. We wouldn't want to treat the miracle of life as a 'product of conception' that was born 'in a lab'. No, we don't want Brave New World babies, decanted from a test tube instead of born in a womb. From having sex. But not just any sex; super-holy, soulful sex.

Yeah, if that's not enough to make me explode with anger, I don't know what is. We haven't yet begun any 'serious' medical interventions to help us. I am scheduled to go on Femara as soon as I finish getting my shots for Varicella and we get my DH's second sample analyzed (which, by the way, the collection process is also a sin in the eyes of the church).

I agree that we shouldn't wantonly abort babies, go around having sex all willy-nilly by using contraception because we can (ie: one night stands), and treat people as commodities. These things are fine with me. I can agree with them.

However, I cannot agree that we should prevent ALL abortions. Babies from incest? Rape? Carrying baby to term would kill the mother? Exceptions to the rule. Contraception- if we taught people about their bodies instead of hiding natural ways of preventing conception (ie: FAM method), then maybe more people would practice using it responsibly and not have unwanted pregnancies!

I cannot agree that we should tell struggling infertile couples, whose greatest GOD-GIVEN DESIRE is to have a family, that they should or should not use reproductive assistance. IVF is already painful and expensive- to tell an infertile couple they are going to hell because they want to 'multiple and be fruitful' is the height of hypocrisy.

Also, my sister had to make the decision to use IVF to save some eggs just in case the chemo treatments nuked her ovaries and she couldn't produce any more. The docs also told her that if she tried to get pregnant naturally, her cancer could come back. So she has a bunch of frozen embryos that she is trying to find a surrogate for so they can have kids. Don't think for a minute that she didn't AGONIZE over that decision and doesn't still think about the moral and ethical repercussions of what she and they chose to do.

Science is a double-edged sword. It can give us technologies to help us, but we are responsible for developing the ethics and standards that lead to it being a benefit for everyone. That's what I try to teach my students.

I think we are just going to have to wait and see what the coming months brings us. We can cross the IVF bridge when- or if- we have to come to it.