Day 3

Good thing we were up early this morning- our embryologist called right around 8:00 to let us know both embryos are now 8 cells each and are a Grade 1 (that's perfect!!). They are already little overachievers. :-) We decided to leave them alone tomorrow so they can grow. The embryologist called Day 4 an 'awkward stage'. All I could picture is the little embryos going, "Leave me alone! Don't look at me!" like teenagers that have a bad case of acne.

We'll be going in Monday morning for the transfer. After a good deal of conversation, DH and I decided to elect for only 1 embryo to be transferred. I am young and healthy, but two babies could be risky. Unless the ER has a different opinion, a singleton pregnancy would be our preferred option.

Also, I am on tons of supportive meds- steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, and estrogen. I had TERRIBLE hot flashes yesterday. I'm hoping my body adjusts so I don't feel like I'm on fire today. I had to eat ice cream after work just to feel normal (not that that's a bad thing)!

Here are our day 3 littles:

I hope one is a girl and the other is a boy- that would be just right. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I am just elated that they are finally here. I hope my body can sustain and support them the way it is supposed to.

Namaste!

Day 2

Day 2, things are still looking great. Our embryologist said they are 'perfect'!

I know there is still implantation and all of gestation to go, but one day at a time...I am having horrible hot flashes today thanks to the progesterone (I think). I felt like I was running a fever all day long and my head was swimming. I hope my body adjusts to it soon. Whew!

Here are our lovelies:

May God continue to bless their growth and watch over them!

Retrieval #2

These past few weeks have been insane. Between a much-needed Fall break (thank God for 4-day weekends!) and Homecoming Week (how much sugar have these students been eating?!?), I have just about been at the top of my stress levels.

After last time, we decided to sit back and re-group while nature took its course. We contacted the office to get started again with a new protocol. Still natural cycle IVF, just changing things up a little bit to catch the eggs in time. I wasn't feeling as hopeful this round since the doctor said there was still a good chance I could ovulate on my own despite the Ganirelix.

I started my shots last Wednesday and finished them on Monday. This was a short time compared to the 8 days last time! My follicles developed quickly and the lining looked good on Monday, so they had me trigger with the HCG Monday night. I had been charting my temps, so I was keeping a hawk eye on those in case they suddenly went up (which usually indicates ovulation). I had a lot of cervical fluid that also indicated that I was very fertile (EWCM). This made me even more nervous because it happened last time. So I wasn't feeling too good about my chances this morning. My temperature went up, the fluid appeared to dry up, and I didn't feel as 'full' as I had the day before. I was very upset already about my chances.

We got to the clinic early (doors were still locked!) and got checked in. I went in for a preliminary scan. This made me feel better- last time, they took me straight back to the OR and I had no time to adjust. The scan room is where I've been going, so I felt less anxious in there. My doctor came in (thankfully, she's the one I like- the other one is fine and professional, but I like her better) and asked how we were doing. We told her we thought I'd ovulated already. She seemed surprised and said that my hormone levels wouldn't have suggested that, but that we would take a look.

The ultrasound revealed NO OVULATION!! Hallelujah!! I had 3 very big, healthy-looking follicles they wanted to get to, so we immediately went back to the prep room to get me ready. I opted for anesthesia this time, so the lady was there asking me all kinds of questions while I got ready to nap. Thankfully, she gave me a numbing shot for the IV since it was going in my hand (ouch). Before I knew it, I kissed DH good luck for his part and walked into the OR. I was instantly anxious again, but soon after I got into place, the anesthesia lady did her thing and I promptly passed out. When I woke up, they scooted me over to a stretcher and got me to the recovery room.

DH was there waiting for me. The embryologist came out and said they were successfully able to retrieve 3 eggs! She said that is quite a lot for a natural cycle, and that they would be fertilized later this afternoon. We were both thrilled and excited. I just kept silently praising God, thank you, thank you, thank you.

We went home. I took some Tylenol with codeine for the pain- it wasn't too bad, kind of like strong period cramps. I wasn't sleepy for a while, so I just laid on the couch curled up under a blanket until I did fall asleep. I woke up just in time for the embryologist to call. She said all 3 eggs had great quality (yay gametes!) and that she was able to fertilize all of them. She will call us tomorrow to let us know if they are developing correctly. We hope that all of them get to become embryos. I am praying so much for those little bundles of DNA right now- our future child/children!!!

We know there's a long way to go- first developing, then transfer, then implantation...then development...but we at least have jumped the first hurdle in our journey to becoming parents. That makes me feel very, very good. We have made more progress today than in the last 4 years!

Here's to hoping- namaste!

The Path Diverges

DH and I are feeling pretty awful right now. We just tried our 3rd cycle on Femara with no luck. My sister in law is about to give birth to our second nephew. We are both just trying to process what to do next.

My feelings are trapped in me like a bubble of angst that just gets bigger and bigger. I tried talking to both my best friend and my Mom about it, but couldn't interrupt the supposedly happy conversations we were having to unload my negative ones, so it just became more entrapped and ensnared. I am feeling angry and frustrated that our bodies just won't do what they are 'supposed to' do; what other people seem to have no trouble doing at all. I'm angry that we are going to have to pay to have a child, one way or another; that our insurance probably covers ending a life in abortion, but not starting one in IVF or adoption. I am terrified at the medical procedures that might give us a child but might not; might cause my ovaries to hypertrophy. I don't like needles. I can't even look when they give me my 3 allergy shots at the doc's every week. Every week. I should be used to being poked by now, right? I am sad and heartbroken because my DH just can't deal with the fact that his sperm isn't adequate enough to fertilize my eggs, even though he is taking FertilAid. I know he feels incompetent, but it isn't his fault. We are both depressed and anxious.

Our next step is to meet with our fertility doc and see where to go from here. Initially, I thought I wanted to try IUI and then move up to IVF, but now I just want a child as soon as possible. I have grown tired of waiting, of heartbreak. Our church would say that this is a selfish motive, that we should just adopt. And we have friends who did adopt. They are incredibly happy with their little boy. We got to meet him this week. They are certainly going through an adjustment process, but they are a happy little family. It made me re-think- why should we choose IVF? Why not adopt? So now there are a few choices on the table:

1) Adopt and give up the dream of having a biological child. DH is not ready for that yet, and neither am I.
2) Natural IVF, hopefully starting next month. Lower chances than regular IVF, but no needles involved. I have the time to drive to their office every day for an ultrasound or blood work. This appeals to me and DH. And it's cheaper.
3) Stimulated IVF. This would be $$$$$ and then we have to wrestle with the issue of the frozen remaining embryos (assuming there are any), storage, etc.

Obviously we are leaning strongly toward #2. I guess I just want to see what the doc has to say about it, but I am about 90% sure that is the option we would like to move forward with for at least the next 3 cycles. I have had decent cycles on Femara. Natural IVF goes straight to ICSI, which would bypass my DH's part of the issue. Then we just have to hope that it fertilizes and divides into a blastocyst and that it implants and stays.

Also, how do people educate their relatives on this? My MIL still seems to think this is a 'just relax and everything will be fine' problem. It's a fu**ing biological problem, and there is NO way that relaxing is going to help AT ALL!! Ok, maybe relaxing during the procedures will help it hurt less, but still....me thinks they still don't understand.

Anyone else out there try natural IVF and have good success?