The Path Diverges

DH and I are feeling pretty awful right now. We just tried our 3rd cycle on Femara with no luck. My sister in law is about to give birth to our second nephew. We are both just trying to process what to do next.

My feelings are trapped in me like a bubble of angst that just gets bigger and bigger. I tried talking to both my best friend and my Mom about it, but couldn't interrupt the supposedly happy conversations we were having to unload my negative ones, so it just became more entrapped and ensnared. I am feeling angry and frustrated that our bodies just won't do what they are 'supposed to' do; what other people seem to have no trouble doing at all. I'm angry that we are going to have to pay to have a child, one way or another; that our insurance probably covers ending a life in abortion, but not starting one in IVF or adoption. I am terrified at the medical procedures that might give us a child but might not; might cause my ovaries to hypertrophy. I don't like needles. I can't even look when they give me my 3 allergy shots at the doc's every week. Every week. I should be used to being poked by now, right? I am sad and heartbroken because my DH just can't deal with the fact that his sperm isn't adequate enough to fertilize my eggs, even though he is taking FertilAid. I know he feels incompetent, but it isn't his fault. We are both depressed and anxious.

Our next step is to meet with our fertility doc and see where to go from here. Initially, I thought I wanted to try IUI and then move up to IVF, but now I just want a child as soon as possible. I have grown tired of waiting, of heartbreak. Our church would say that this is a selfish motive, that we should just adopt. And we have friends who did adopt. They are incredibly happy with their little boy. We got to meet him this week. They are certainly going through an adjustment process, but they are a happy little family. It made me re-think- why should we choose IVF? Why not adopt? So now there are a few choices on the table:

1) Adopt and give up the dream of having a biological child. DH is not ready for that yet, and neither am I.
2) Natural IVF, hopefully starting next month. Lower chances than regular IVF, but no needles involved. I have the time to drive to their office every day for an ultrasound or blood work. This appeals to me and DH. And it's cheaper.
3) Stimulated IVF. This would be $$$$$ and then we have to wrestle with the issue of the frozen remaining embryos (assuming there are any), storage, etc.

Obviously we are leaning strongly toward #2. I guess I just want to see what the doc has to say about it, but I am about 90% sure that is the option we would like to move forward with for at least the next 3 cycles. I have had decent cycles on Femara. Natural IVF goes straight to ICSI, which would bypass my DH's part of the issue. Then we just have to hope that it fertilizes and divides into a blastocyst and that it implants and stays.

Also, how do people educate their relatives on this? My MIL still seems to think this is a 'just relax and everything will be fine' problem. It's a fu**ing biological problem, and there is NO way that relaxing is going to help AT ALL!! Ok, maybe relaxing during the procedures will help it hurt less, but still....me thinks they still don't understand.

Anyone else out there try natural IVF and have good success?

I'm back

It's been a while since I last posted, but I thought that the recent events merited a return. Obviously I have not been able to get pregnant yet. I had a laparoscopy in July that turned up a tiny bit of endometriosis and a small cyst on my uterus, but nothing that would prevent pregnancy. We finally decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist a friend recommended. When we met with her, she looked over our results and told us we are in the 85% of people who are helped by assisted reoroductive technology. I went in for some more diagnostic tests and was told my uterus and ovaries are normal. Always good to hear. Just waiting on some results before we get started with treatment. Probably will go on Clomid and maybe progesterone. Don't want to do IUI yet.

Talked to my sister yesterday. It's thanksgiving break. She is trying to decide what to do also, since she doesn't want to risk a recurrence of cancer in pregnancy. They are looking for a surrogate.

So after all this, we get up this morning and I'm having breakfast when my sister exclaims, look at J's shirt! (Our nephew) it says on the back, I'm going to be a big brother. My SIL is pregnant again. I found myself saying congratulations, but felt a terrible mix of guilt, anxiety, and depression flood up in me. I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. And I'm sure my sister felt the same. Now we have to live the rest of this holiday weekend thinking about it, GREAT. I think I need to make a counselor appointment whe we return. This just sucks.