Losing it

No, I'm not talking miscarriage.

I'm talking about losing my mind.

First off, I am SO excited because my sister-in-law is in labor today! Hopefully by tonight we'll have us a healthy new member of the family.

Secondly, I am so upset because I want to be that one. I want to be pregnant. I want to be giving birth. I want to have a child! I've spent all afternoon trying to focus on the happy, positive emotions for my brother and his wife and their child. But instead my thoughts keeps wandering to why I'm not getting pregnant and I get this tightening in my throat and anxiety butterflies in my stomach. I keep wanting to cry.

And God, I see babies everywhere! Damn Facebook for putting these stories directly in my face. All I see are cute pictures of everyone's babies and announcements about pregnancies, and baby yoga, and birthdays, and pictures of babies freakin' everywhere. It's like when you're fasting off a certain food and suddenly people all around you are proclaiming its awesomeness and asking you if you've had any (insert food like chocolate here). And you can't have any, for one reason or another.

I'm also on a Candida-restricted diet because my doctor thinks I'm allergic to yeast. And maybe wheat, eggs, or milk also. So I can't have any of those things, and it's making me awfully crabby. Yes, I'm eating better and eating more vegetables. But I really miss having a cookie or two (can't have any sugar, potentially forever if this is true!). I'm not feeling a tremendous difference in my energy level like other people who've gone on this diet. So I feel like it's a load of B.S. as far as I'm concerned. After this, I'm still going to try to avoid excess sugar, but good gracious! It's in everything!! I keep wondering if this diet will help me get pregnant. Maybe. Maybe not.

At least I have some good company, because misery loves company, correct? Two friends of mine, one my age and the other older, are both interested/trying to conceive as well. One told me a heart-wrenching story about an earlier miscarriage, even though she seems very upbeat about trying again, now that she knows what was wrong (and has had it fixed). I keep trying to have faith. But it's so hard. So, so hard. And my husband's feeling it, too. I know we need to relax and not stress out about it, but when is a good time to visit a doctor and ask, "Why am I not getting pregnant?"

Namaste.

March weather

I've been having a terrible week, abdominally speaking. I suppose part of it was my fault for not bringing any vegetables on our camping vacation. Let's just say we had a week of basically meat, cheese, and bread as our meals. As a result, I had a couple days of not happiness in the bathroom. Then on Wednesday, I got a urinary tract infection. I drank some cranberry juice and it felt better, but then it came back with a vengeance today by waking me up at 3:30 a.m. I couldn't go back to sleep because of it. And I also somehow tweaked my back pretty well while hiking last week, so I might go back to the doctor to get it checked out.

On top of those things, I got my period this week.

I'm starting to wonder what's wrong. I'm going to start tracking my ovulation cycles after this period. If nothing happens, then I'll go talk to the doctor.

*sigh*

I've been reading other people's stories about trying to conceive, and I feel like I can hardly complain after reading about some of the heartbreaking infertility stories.

I am also partly thinking about other things, like my sister. We've discussed me being a surrogate for her in case her tumor ends up being estrogen-triggered.

I guess I just always thought getting pregnant would be easier than this.

My SIL is due very soon. I'm so excited for her! Can't wait to meet my nephew.

Baby Shower

Went to my brother and sister-in-law's baby shower this weekend. It was nice to see them both, since it's been over a year (!) since we saw them last. Their dogs are so funny. One is super-hyper and the other was extremely shy.

So my husband and I are going to be godparents! To a baby boy, whom we are looking forward to meeting in April. We found out the gender at the shower- via a pinata full of blue Hershey kisses and It's A Boy! confetti. We are really excited for them. Ok, so maybe I am a little more excited than my husband. I did go overboard and bought them a lot of things for the shower, but they need all of it. My sister commented that I seemed really too excited at the shower- I was beaming the whole time, full of giddy happiness.

So I guess I'm living my dream vicariously through my SIL right now. I got to feel the baby kick the other night, and it made me so happy. I am really happy for them.

It doesn't help that we'd talk about baby things and I was like, "Oh, I read on this web site about (insert baby comment here)..." and then I'd inevitably end my sentence with, "...when we have our own child," because we haven't told anyone else we're trying. Of course, my SIL then said, "It'll happen sooner than you think! We thought it would take longer, but it happened on the first try!" I almost wanted to cry and tell her right then that we've already been trying for the past 6 months with no success yet.

I just keep praying, "Please, God, let us be a family soon."

I hope I get an answer soon.

Month #5

Well, it's been five months of trying, and this month I thought it was going to be it. I woke up with cramping four nights before my time to start, and had crazy dreams and tossed and turned all those nights. The appointed day came and went (not without some nervousness). The next day came and went. I bought a pregnancy test, but didn't use it. My husband wanted me to wait until Friday morning, when we'd both be home together for mutual support and/or celebration. I had no sign of a period except for some spotting.

And then today I went to class with a huge headache, fatigue, and gnawing pains in my abdomen. I went to the restroom and there was Aunt Flo, waiting for me. I wanted to cry, but mostly I just wanted to go home and sleep. I feel disappointed, but not discouraged. Now I just want to focus on the future and not freak out about the fact that my 31st birthday is next week....

You're Always on my Mind...

It's two days after Christmas. I'm having a good time here at my in-laws' house (despite the fact that the TV has been on nearly 24-7). My husband and I received many nice gifts, including some for the Wii that I hope will help us keep in shape.

Speaking of keeping in shape, we went for a walk at the Ijams Nature Center yesterday- just the two of us. It was really nice to get out of the house and enjoy the fresh air and the birds (see my nature blog for more details). Whenever I think about having children recently, my mind starts to turn to what we'd like to do with them. And for them. And what we don't want to do to them. We'd started a journal at home to be filled with the things our parents did for us that we would like to do for them. And also what we DON'T want to do to them. So I think about these things while we are walking.

We really want our children to be outside, as much as possible. We have plans to take them for walks like the one we went on yesterday (although maybe not the 1 mile uphill hike around the quarry). In this digital age, we would love it if we could avoid handheld electronics until they are in high school. Both my husband and I hope we can cultivate in our kids a love of and interest in nature, in observation and the amazing things you can see when you're quiet enough. I could just take my mom's tactic and lock our kids outside the house in the summer until lunch or dinner, except that here in Georgia the temps can hit the 100's.

In another vein, I was also thinking about Christmas presents. I read another blog where a family with two small boys (2 and 6, respectively) could not afford to buy new gifts for them. Luckily, they had saved one or two gifts from prior birthdays (unopened, that the kids didn't know about) that then served as Christmas gifts. I thought that was a great idea. It's frugal but not stingy. The kids were able to get new gifts and the parents didn't have to go bankrupt trying to provide for them. I liked that idea. I also like the idea that teaching kids to be good givers can feel just as good as being recipients in this season of consumption. It's something I had to learn myself over this last year of un- and under-employment. Not watching commercials makes it easier (thanks, Netflix!).

I suppose every parent wants to instill good values in their children. And we all hope that we can do well.

Here's to the future...let's raise a glass to what might be and dream of the endless possibilities around us.

Babies everywhere

It must be one of those things. When you're not paying attention, you don't notice it. But as soon as it becomes important, you see it everywhere. For me, it's people getting pregnant. These past few weeks, one of my sister's friends posted that she was pregnant with an ultrasound picture on Facebook. Then one of our friends posted a belly picture on Facebook with a 'guess what' message.

I am trying not to feel jealous or left out or anxious....but it's hard not to. Last month, I was really reading a lot of pregnancy/birth material and it was consuming my time (even though I promised myself I wouldn't let it become an obsession...). I felt pressured. My husband felt pressured. So I finally just let go. I had my period and was a little sad, but also kind of happy to have a 'real' period again. It was like, "oh yeah, this is what it's supposed to be like!".

I did an ovulation calculator for this month, but kept my fertile dates to myself and have been keeping myself busy, which helped reduce the pressure we were feeling. I'm applying for grad school and should get accepted soon. I don't feel any different this month, whereas last month, any kind of weird/ill/different sensation was like, "Is this it? Am I pregnant? Could I be?" I figure I'll definitely know when because I'll probably get sick. I'm also trying not to think about it as often. Being busy does help.

At any rate, it will happen when it happens. Until then, I will try to be at peace with me the way I am today.

Just do it

Ok, so I'm not partial to Nike, but "Just do it" seems to be the advice my heart is giving me...

So we're doing this thing. We're teetering on the edge of poverty, I'm applying for grad school, and my husband makes less every year because of his health insurance plan, but we're going to get pregnant. There is still this ideal in my head that I'd written in my journal a while ago, that we'd both have jobs and be in a 'stable financial situation'. Well, on the upside, I now have 2 part-time jobs that will last through December at least, although neither of them add up to more than $100 a week. I am still ecstatic that I have them. Last year, I had nothing.

Lots of fears come to mind, of course. I'm 30. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, birth, and most important of all, baby. I'm trying not to read too much literature on infertility (most of which applies after you're 35 anyway). I'm trying to be reasonable about my expectations and fears about conceiving (which is impossible). I stopped taking my birth control pill this past weekend. I feel elated- freed- and now I'm trying to figure out when I'll ovulate. I have a guess based on the periods I had on the Pill, but I'm not about to wait 3 months to establish a regular cycle before we conceive. Too long. I'm hoping that we'll just magically have luck this month and poof! Baby.

In the meantime, I'm not going to freak out and become super-obsessed with reading everything. I am going to maintain a good healthy self by regular de-stressing (yoga, baths), exercising to keep my body in optimal condition, eating healthy portions of delicious foods, and letting things happen when and as they will.

God willing, everything will work out right.