A-type personality

I am very type-A. I worry about everything constantly and whether or not it is good enough or if I'm doing it right. I rarely take time to celebrate accomplishments because I'm already thinking of ways to do it better. That said, I have trouble just not worrying.

I woke up yesterday with some light bleeding. I've been wearing a pad because of leakage (ok, waterfalls) from the Endometrin and Estrace. So I noticed it. It was red, but not bright red. No clots, but sort of like the light bleeding I get at the beginning of my period. That really worried me. I spent the rest of the day freaking out and Googling miscarriage symptoms.

I find it interesting that people consider infertility at an end once the woman gets pregnant. This is certainly not the case!! Infertility ends when I am holding a healthy baby in my arms. I think part of it is that we've spent 3 years and thousands of dollars on infertility treatments and I am worried about the possibility of losing the most precious gift that we fought so hard for.

My day continued. I dragged myself through it- so exhausted. I had back cramps in the afternoon and evening. My back hurt so much by my last class that I taught sitting down. I never do that. I had to take some children's Tylenol to help it stop hurting. I went to the bathroom frequently- not because I had to, but because I wanted to check for more blood. I had a tiny amount of spotting, but nothing after the morning. That was somewhat of a relief.

I am still concerned because I really don't 'feel' pregnant. My breasts are less sore than before, the veins have disappeared a little, I'm not nauseous, I haven't been getting up to pee in the early a.m. like before....I'm just a worrier by nature. I really hope this works out. I opted not to go in for an early ultrasound or bloodwork since I stopped bleeding. But I know I'm going to worry about this the rest of the week until Friday.

Say a prayer for us.

Waiting with hope

Well, it's been a week or so since our positive news. I thought I would write about what I've been experiencing over that time period while we wait with hope and a bit of nervousness about the ultrasound on Friday.

I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I think part of me is trying to be protective against possible disappointment, because there is a scared part of my brain saying, "What if this is just a chemical pregnancy? A blighted ovum? What if you have a miscarriage because this just wasn't meant to be?"

I had to POAS last week because I have still been keeping track of my temps. I watched them dip below my coverline one morning and had a bout of anxiety about miscarriage. No bleeding, and the test was positive. The temps took a climb back up and I have breathed a sigh of relief.

Since I am very attuned to my body, I have noticed the following changes:

• Acid reflux after eating spicy foods
• More thirsty than usual- it makes sense, your body is making more blood for the embryo!
• I had some hot flashes a few days after the transfer- not sure if this was the progesterone/estrogen I've been taking
• Tender breasts- not as bad as before my period, but veins are definitely more noticeable
• Falling asleep on the couch by 9:00 p.m. Not extreme exhaustion, but certainly more tired.
• Irritable- I have been much more hard on my students over things that I would normally let slide
• Bloating/constipation (yeah, TMI)- Ok, so I look 3 months pregnant. I catch my students giving me sidelong glances. I am uncomfortable wearing my regular pants, yet not ready to go into maternity clothes at just 5 weeks pregnant!!
• Cramps- they feel like period cramps, but are intermittent. Hopefully this is due to uterus expanding, although I read it can be due to dehydration. Time to drink more water!

No nausea (yet) thankfully, although if I don't eat snacks between meals I get ravenously hungry and lightheaded. Some days I just 'feel' pregnant, and other days I feel totally normal.

Hopefully we will have a positive ultrasound result on Friday- say a prayer and cross your fingers for us!

Beta #2

Friday, I went up for my appointment. I made sure to drink a lot of water and juice in the morning because they had a hard time sticking me and getting blood on Wednesday. They still had a hard time today- I had to get stuck in the hand (ow). Oh well. All worth it.

Got the beta results right at lunch time: 233.3. A little lower than double, but close! The nurse said to come back in two weeks (right before Thanksgiving break) for my first ultrasound.

I am beyond ecstatic. Now I have yet another 2-week wait. I am trying so hard not to be anxious about the possibility of miscarriage- we have waited so long and prayed so much for this child to be here with us. All we can do is take care of ourselves and pray some more.

We told our immediate family about our happy news. Everyone is so excited for us because they know the pain and heartache we've gone through to get here. I'm glad we told everyone early. I know they will support us if anything does go wrong. Hopefully though we will get more and more happy news as we progress through this first trimester. It's hard to think that I'm already 4 weeks (technically 2 weeks) pregnant. I think it will take some getting used to!

Namaste!

Success and relief!

My husband and I were on pins and needles all day Wednesday. My co-workers were all asking me when I would find out, so I just told them the office was supposed to call me in the afternoon. I tried to keep my phone on airplane mode all day. It was really difficult not to keep looking at the phone. As soon as the last bell rang, I turned the phone on. The message symbol came up on the phone. I packed my stuff as quickly as I could and then practically ran to the car.

I met DH on campus. Too impatient to wait for him to come down to meet me, I went up to the building to meet him. There were people around, so we decided to go down a nearby hiking trail and sit on a bench to listen to the message. Holding onto each other, we listened:

"I wanted to let you know that we got your results back, and indeed, you are pregnant! The result is great. The beta was 121.2...."

At that point, we both started laughing/shaking uncontrollably while holding each other. I just felt such a sense of relief and joy. Finally!!!

Now we await the second beta test to see if things are progressing. Over the last week and a half, I think I had these 'symptoms': acid reflux, headache, backache, tender breasts, and irritability (although that could be from teaching high school students!). I haven't really felt any nausea (so far!). I have been trying to eat when I get hungry, which has seemed more frequent than usual.

Something I did not know about pregnancy also: due to blood volume increase, you get dehydrated more easily than normal. If you are newly pregnant, drink a TON of water!

We really hope and pray that things continue to go well. 

Betas and Blabbermouths

Tomorrow is the first beta test. I am incredibly nervous and anxious- and so tempted to just POAS tomorrow morning so DH and I can just know already. I've been instructed not to give in to the temptation, as home pregnancy tests can give a false positive due to some residual HCG in the system from the trigger shot. However, it's been over 10 days since I did the trigger shot, so I think most of it is probably gone now.

I am also having a problem with a co-worker. I ended up telling her that we were going through IVF and she has been very supportive and praying for us. HOWEVER, once I got the embryos, she decided it was appropriate to gush at lunch, in front of EVERYONE that I was 'pregnant'. I am a very private, introverted person. I am also waiting to find out IF I am pregnant- I did NOT want to announce this to everyone until at least the first ultrasound. I just feel angry and upset that she decided to do this. And I can't control other people, so I am going to have to just forgive her and let it go. *sigh*

I wish I could just take the rest of the week off and curl up on the couch with DH.

Waiting with prayer

The last week has been a crazy one. Our transfer of one embryo occurred on Monday. We received fantastic pictures from the embryologist of the second one, who went into frozen storage. That one will be 'just in case', or, more hopefully, a younger sibling.

I have tried really hard to stay calm about everything. I had bloating a couple of days afterward, which is making me look 3-4 months pregnant already! A nosy student was like, "I hope your doctor's visits are for happy things" while looking at my stomach obviously. Sheesh! I appreciate the sentiment, but holy cow, it's private business. I started Googling 'how to hide a pregnancy bump' after that. I'll share when I'm good and ready to share, if I even have good news.

I started feeling really achy on Thursday and Friday- all of my major muscle groups were sore like I was coming down with the flu or had worked out really hard. I had no fever, but it was really disturbing. DH couldn't even touch me because my muscles were so achy. I contacted the nurse on Friday. She said it wasn't any side effect she could think of, and maybe I was fighting a virus or something. I just hope my body wasn't fighting the embryo off...I fell asleep on the couch early last night, went to bed, and then woke up at 5:45 with pain all over. I was really worried, so I took some Tylenol and was able to go back to sleep. When I woke up again, the aches had gone. Thank God. I really hope that it was something benign!

My first beta test is on Wednesday morning. I am awash with nervous anticipation and anxiety. I don't know what I'll do if the test is negative- probably be in shock and then cry. We both hope that won't be the case, but this little one only has a 50% chance of implanting. And then it has to grow...I keep praying, please God, let this be our little miracle.

Hopefully it will all work out.