Everybody Hurts...Sometimes

Still have Class From Hell. I was so frustrated yesterday with the attitudes, negative remarks, and then turned around to find one student taping me with her iPad. I wanted to strangle her. Instead, I went across the hall to the counselor's office and tearfully asked if someone could cover my class while I wept in their office.

I've just had enough. If I could quit that one school, I would drop the job like a hot potato. I only have them for 6 more days. It's not just the behavioral disorders. The administration is completely disorganized and they do not run things efficiently. I have a conflict in my schedule coming up and so far no one I've contacted has been able to figure out what I'll be doing the week of 'finals', not to mention where I will be teaching after the break. I hope to God it's not MIHS. I will end up insane by the end of the year if I have to work there full time.

On top of that, I ovulated a mere 5 days ago and woke up to discover my temps had dropped this morning. Damn it! I feel...inadequate. Inferior. Like God is punishing me for something I've done or haven't done (there goes that great old Catholic guilt trip). I feel terrible that I can't get pregnant. I feel frustrated. I feel depressed. I feel like I just don't care anymore. I feel like my husband loves me more than I love him and that it has something to do with it, even though logically (and biologically) this makes no sense.

I've scheduled an appointment with an OB-GYN. Next step is to look into what's wrong with me. Or him. Or both of us. I feel so ashamed of my inadequacy to conceive. I feel like I'm a disappointment.

My MIL has been knitting baby things non-stop. She hasn't said a word to me about it, but I know she and my mom would be thrilled to be grandmothers.

And everyone around me either has young children or is pregnant. I know one other friend who is trying to get pregnant, but it's kind of awkward to bring that up with someone..."So, I hear you can't get pregnant either...?"

I just need to take a vacation from this madness.

Burned out

I am so done with this semester. Both for teaching and being a student. Juggling a full-time job and being a graduate student has eaten up all of my time. I barely have time to eat and sleep these days. Even my Thanksgiving vacation was spent grading a giant stack of papers and writing my research proposal. I plan my lessons on the fly, which I know is not great to do, but I really don't have the time I need to plan (I don't get a planning period during the week, unless you count the 50-minute period I get for travel between the two schools, eating lunch, and making copies/setting up labs).

And did I mention I have the Class from Hell this quarter? A good half of them don't care if they pass the class and are just waiting until they are 16 to drop out, all of them are addicted to their iPads (worst idea ever, giving them all iPads and not blocking every single social media web site/app), and I find myself talking over them all the time. I've tried everything with this class, and nothing has worked longer than a day. I find myself wishing there was some sort of Student Whisperer, you know, like that guy Cesar who works with dogs? Maybe then they would actually care about learning some science.

As you can tell, I'm very stressed out. I have had the longest cycle on record. I thought I ovulated yesterday due to a temperature hike, but this morning it fell way down again. Part of me is just like, screw it, why do I even bother keeping track? And I'm going to a baby shower this weekend, which still hurts emotionally even though I feel like it shouldn't bother me at all.

I suppose I should just be grateful for uninterrupted sleep at night, days that I don't have to come home and take care of a child after long days at work, and not having to worry about all of that. I'll stop complaining now. I know parenting is hard. And my life is hard enough right now without adding to it. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise...

Waiting, again

My life has exploded with busy-ness. I'm working a full-time job that feels like 2 jobs (and at 12 hours a day I spend working on curriculum, teaching, and grading, it IS two jobs) and taking 3 graduate courses to complete my Master's degree. It is complete insanity.

Yet somehow in the midst of all this, I still want to get pregnant? I must be crazy.

We've been trying to time this just right, because I want to have the baby during the summer 'off' months. This has become less and less important to me as the goal has really become 'just get pregnant whenever'. Now that I have a job, maternity leave will be available (I hope!) next school year.

This is our third cycle of trying. There have been times when I've been really frustrated because it felt like we were just going through the motions instead of really being in the moment. I keep wondering if something is physically wrong with me. I'm glad I learned the FAM method, because I know my body better than I ever have, but I am also concerned that I may not be able to get pregnant without help. It makes me feel inadequate.

In any case, I'm in the midst of THE two-week wait. Praying that my temps stay high past day 16, since that's been the longest my luteal phase has gone so far.We'll see....

And again...

I really did think I had it last month...but no, no dice.

I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. *sigh* I said if nothing happens this month, then I'm going to the doctor's.

I have a lot going on right now- practically working two jobs between teaching and taking graduate classes. Part of me thinks I don't really need anything else going on right now, but it's hard seeing people around me have children when I want them as well.

God will provide. Namaste.

Try again

Well, I had my temp drop this morning, so it looks like we'll be trying again next cycle. I feel a heavy sort of disappointment and at the same time, worry. I worry that something's wrong with me (probably not) because I was hungry all the time for a few weeks there and kept getting up in the middle of the night to pee. Maybe I just have a tapeworm.

I've been reading a book about parasites, that's probably why I said that.

I'll just have to let go and try again. Have to stay positive!

That thing called Hope

I've been using the FAM method to determine fertility for the last 5 months now. I am really amazed at my body and all the signs it gives me to let me know what's going on. I don't feel panicked when I'm not sure if achy-ness means impending period or pregnancy because I can see on my chart what's happening. I don't get disappointed or crushed like I did when I didn't know. I've learned a lot about myself, like the fact that I have a long phase before I ovulate. Most of my cycles are 32+ days, which I learned is actually not unusual. And it's funny, now, when I have just felt like I've got everything figured out...my temps rose really early this cycle and are staying up. I'm trying hard to just relax and wait, because each day brings me closer to finding out if I've achieved my goal or if this is just a blip.

In other news, I've gotten 'informally' hired for a part-time teaching job at a local high school. However, school starts in 3 weeks, and I haven't yet heard back from the principal or signed a contract. I'm getting nervous, because I need this job. Hopefully a friendly barrage of phone calls will get me the answers I'm looking for so that I can sit back and focus on lesson plans and inquiry learning.

Last day of summer classes (ones I'm taking, not teaching). I'm really happy to be done with them. Nothing like cramming a whole course into 5 weeks. But at least I'll be done.

Namaste!

Fertility discovery

I can't believe it.

I just discovered something that completely impacted the way I view my fertility.

First, I want to thank my SIL for giving me the book Take Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. She didn't really need it since they already have a baby (my nephew!). I had decided to start charting this past month, and I've been reading about it online. This book is way more informative than any web site, and I would suggest it for every woman, from those who want a natural way to understand their bodies to those who want birth control and/or pregnancy awareness.

I just read a section about practical tips beyond fertility awareness. I got to the section about antibiotics and yeast infections and lo and behold it says this:

"...antibiotics are notorious for killing the good bacteria along with the bad, often producing an overgrowth of CANDIDA, a type of yeast that RENDERS THE VAGINAL ENVIRONMENT INHOSPITABLE TO SPERM." (caps my own emphasis)

I got allergy tested for molds, and Candida was one of the yeasts my body has formed an immune response to! The doctor put me on a Candida and allergy-restricted diet, of which today is the last day before I add back the allergens.

I am completely shocked. THIS could be the reason I'm not getting pregnant!

I guess I am going to continue giving up sugars and other Candida-growth-promoting foods until I get pregnant. I still hope that when I visit I'll be given a green light to eat sugar once a week so I can at least have some homemade ice cream once in a while this summer (I miss chocolate!).

Wow.

Losing it

No, I'm not talking miscarriage.

I'm talking about losing my mind.

First off, I am SO excited because my sister-in-law is in labor today! Hopefully by tonight we'll have us a healthy new member of the family.

Secondly, I am so upset because I want to be that one. I want to be pregnant. I want to be giving birth. I want to have a child! I've spent all afternoon trying to focus on the happy, positive emotions for my brother and his wife and their child. But instead my thoughts keeps wandering to why I'm not getting pregnant and I get this tightening in my throat and anxiety butterflies in my stomach. I keep wanting to cry.

And God, I see babies everywhere! Damn Facebook for putting these stories directly in my face. All I see are cute pictures of everyone's babies and announcements about pregnancies, and baby yoga, and birthdays, and pictures of babies freakin' everywhere. It's like when you're fasting off a certain food and suddenly people all around you are proclaiming its awesomeness and asking you if you've had any (insert food like chocolate here). And you can't have any, for one reason or another.

I'm also on a Candida-restricted diet because my doctor thinks I'm allergic to yeast. And maybe wheat, eggs, or milk also. So I can't have any of those things, and it's making me awfully crabby. Yes, I'm eating better and eating more vegetables. But I really miss having a cookie or two (can't have any sugar, potentially forever if this is true!). I'm not feeling a tremendous difference in my energy level like other people who've gone on this diet. So I feel like it's a load of B.S. as far as I'm concerned. After this, I'm still going to try to avoid excess sugar, but good gracious! It's in everything!! I keep wondering if this diet will help me get pregnant. Maybe. Maybe not.

At least I have some good company, because misery loves company, correct? Two friends of mine, one my age and the other older, are both interested/trying to conceive as well. One told me a heart-wrenching story about an earlier miscarriage, even though she seems very upbeat about trying again, now that she knows what was wrong (and has had it fixed). I keep trying to have faith. But it's so hard. So, so hard. And my husband's feeling it, too. I know we need to relax and not stress out about it, but when is a good time to visit a doctor and ask, "Why am I not getting pregnant?"

Namaste.

March weather

I've been having a terrible week, abdominally speaking. I suppose part of it was my fault for not bringing any vegetables on our camping vacation. Let's just say we had a week of basically meat, cheese, and bread as our meals. As a result, I had a couple days of not happiness in the bathroom. Then on Wednesday, I got a urinary tract infection. I drank some cranberry juice and it felt better, but then it came back with a vengeance today by waking me up at 3:30 a.m. I couldn't go back to sleep because of it. And I also somehow tweaked my back pretty well while hiking last week, so I might go back to the doctor to get it checked out.

On top of those things, I got my period this week.

I'm starting to wonder what's wrong. I'm going to start tracking my ovulation cycles after this period. If nothing happens, then I'll go talk to the doctor.

*sigh*

I've been reading other people's stories about trying to conceive, and I feel like I can hardly complain after reading about some of the heartbreaking infertility stories.

I am also partly thinking about other things, like my sister. We've discussed me being a surrogate for her in case her tumor ends up being estrogen-triggered.

I guess I just always thought getting pregnant would be easier than this.

My SIL is due very soon. I'm so excited for her! Can't wait to meet my nephew.

Baby Shower

Went to my brother and sister-in-law's baby shower this weekend. It was nice to see them both, since it's been over a year (!) since we saw them last. Their dogs are so funny. One is super-hyper and the other was extremely shy.

So my husband and I are going to be godparents! To a baby boy, whom we are looking forward to meeting in April. We found out the gender at the shower- via a pinata full of blue Hershey kisses and It's A Boy! confetti. We are really excited for them. Ok, so maybe I am a little more excited than my husband. I did go overboard and bought them a lot of things for the shower, but they need all of it. My sister commented that I seemed really too excited at the shower- I was beaming the whole time, full of giddy happiness.

So I guess I'm living my dream vicariously through my SIL right now. I got to feel the baby kick the other night, and it made me so happy. I am really happy for them.

It doesn't help that we'd talk about baby things and I was like, "Oh, I read on this web site about (insert baby comment here)..." and then I'd inevitably end my sentence with, "...when we have our own child," because we haven't told anyone else we're trying. Of course, my SIL then said, "It'll happen sooner than you think! We thought it would take longer, but it happened on the first try!" I almost wanted to cry and tell her right then that we've already been trying for the past 6 months with no success yet.

I just keep praying, "Please, God, let us be a family soon."

I hope I get an answer soon.

Month #5

Well, it's been five months of trying, and this month I thought it was going to be it. I woke up with cramping four nights before my time to start, and had crazy dreams and tossed and turned all those nights. The appointed day came and went (not without some nervousness). The next day came and went. I bought a pregnancy test, but didn't use it. My husband wanted me to wait until Friday morning, when we'd both be home together for mutual support and/or celebration. I had no sign of a period except for some spotting.

And then today I went to class with a huge headache, fatigue, and gnawing pains in my abdomen. I went to the restroom and there was Aunt Flo, waiting for me. I wanted to cry, but mostly I just wanted to go home and sleep. I feel disappointed, but not discouraged. Now I just want to focus on the future and not freak out about the fact that my 31st birthday is next week....