Swimming in circles

Fate works in mysterious ways sometimes. The tech at the clinic couldn't reach my husband's phone to give him the results of his latest sperm analysis, so she called me and left a message asking me to call her back. I was in the car with my husband when I got this message because he took me to work today. I called back and we put her on speaker phone.

She said his count and motility looked good....and then the other shoe dropped. He has NO normal sperm. Zero. Zip. Nada.

We were both pretty shocked and upset. I partly felt relieved, "It wasn't me!" and partly guilty. We're going to have a follow-up next Monday. I'm sure she is going to recommend IUI or in vitro fertilization as our best bets, although the 'wait and try again' approach is what she says for right now, just to make sure the test results weren't a fluke.

Well. This certainly turns things for a loop. Stay tuned....

Stayin' alive...

After a relaxing week away from school, we're back to do two and a half more weeks and then Christmas Break. So....close...

I received my results from the lab tests and genetic test I had done at the endocrinologist's office. Apparently, I am:

1. Not immune to chicken pox, even though I had them as a child.
2. Deficient in Vitamin D (!!)
3. Heterozygous for hemochromatosis (body hangs onto iron instead of metabolizing it; I don't have it but I could pass on this gene)
4. Homozygous for the MTHFR mutation, which means my body has trouble producing functioning enzymes that break down homocysteine into methionine (part of the pathway that helps metabolize folic acid, necessary for healthy brain development)

Whew. It was a bit much to take in at first, but I've started getting more information. I can get the varicella vaccine, although we'd have to delay pregnancy by a month. That is not a problem since we've been unable to conceive up to this point. I've started taking the super-strong Vitamin D supplement- seriously, I cannot believe that I have a deficiency! Except, I've been inside since August and have barely been exposed to the sunlight since my room doesn't have windows. GREAT. I need to get out more. Grad school makes that difficult. I can't do anything about the hemochromatosis- it's the least of my worries. Even if Dave is a carrier, our offspring only have a 1 in 4 chance of actually having the disease. And it's not generally severe. The only thing I'm somewhat worried about is the MTHFR mutations (I call it the motherfu**er mutation because that's the only way I can remember it!). I did a lot of reading and freaked myself out about all the complications. I am homozygous for the A222v mutation, so one particular enzyme is only working at 7-10% efficiency.

Funny, though. I have felt totally healthy and normal pretty much all my life, so this must not be having a tremendous impact on my quality of life. As a biology teacher, I know that is is a combination of both genes (nature) and environment (nurture) that affects the expression of each gene. I feel that eating and living healthy has helped me lessen the impacts of this mutation. I do wonder how many of my health issues have stemmed from this mutation, though. All I can do now, though, is just let it go. If I continue feeling healthy, then I won't worry about the other things that might possibly crop up. I'll be taking an active folic acid supplement to decrease the risk of spina bifida- so scary- and then all I can do is eat well and leave the rest to God.

It's a lot, but I do feel that most of the results are manageable. Another step on the journey....namaste!

I'm back

It's been a while since I last posted, but I thought that the recent events merited a return. Obviously I have not been able to get pregnant yet. I had a laparoscopy in July that turned up a tiny bit of endometriosis and a small cyst on my uterus, but nothing that would prevent pregnancy. We finally decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist a friend recommended. When we met with her, she looked over our results and told us we are in the 85% of people who are helped by assisted reoroductive technology. I went in for some more diagnostic tests and was told my uterus and ovaries are normal. Always good to hear. Just waiting on some results before we get started with treatment. Probably will go on Clomid and maybe progesterone. Don't want to do IUI yet.

Talked to my sister yesterday. It's thanksgiving break. She is trying to decide what to do also, since she doesn't want to risk a recurrence of cancer in pregnancy. They are looking for a surrogate.

So after all this, we get up this morning and I'm having breakfast when my sister exclaims, look at J's shirt! (Our nephew) it says on the back, I'm going to be a big brother. My SIL is pregnant again. I found myself saying congratulations, but felt a terrible mix of guilt, anxiety, and depression flood up in me. I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. And I'm sure my sister felt the same. Now we have to live the rest of this holiday weekend thinking about it, GREAT. I think I need to make a counselor appointment whe we return. This just sucks.

Recovering

Here I am, 6 days post-surgery, laying on the couch (again).

I had a laparoscopy last week to see what my problems might be. I had the tiniest amount of endometriosis. I also had a small cyst on my uterus and some scar tissue in the neck of my cervix. None of these things should have been a problem or barrier to my fertility, and to all intents and purposes, I am normal and healthy.

Part of me is relieved. Part of me is confused- I'm not pregnant, we've been trying, nothing is apparently wrong with me, so why can't we conceive?

I guess I should be thankful, at least, that nothing is seriously wrong. I'm glad that my worries were laid to rest.

*sigh* I guess we'll start trying again, as soon as I'm healed enough......

Distractions

I think I've been avoiding thinking about not being pregnant.

Partly by keeping myself as busy and distracted as possible. This worked great during the school year; I hardly had time to brush my teeth, much less think about the reasons for my infertility.

Now it's summer, and although I have a few classes, I have more time to spare and time to think. It hit me the other day while I was watching the documentary Bully- which I would recommend to every single child, parent, educator, et al, out there. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see how cruel people can be to each other, especially children. I lost it during the part of the film where an 11-year-old boy was talking about losing his friend (who committed suicide because he was being bullied). How difficult that must have been for the parents!

And then I listened to a Radiolab podcast about a young couple who was infertile and decided to adopt, only to have the child taken away from them because of a misunderstanding. I can't envision the pain they must be in.

I feel awful for them- those that had children and lost them after tragic circumstances. Somehow it makes my situation less awful because at least I don't have to go through legal battles or too-early funerals. God.

I'll be having surgery in July- a laparoscopy so that the doctor can peek inside my abdominal cavity and see if I have endometriosis, which he says is likely. I haven't had any symptoms, but sometimes apparently endometriosis can be like that. I'm nervous- I don't relish the idea of another surgery, but that's the only way to figure out what's really going on in there.

And as a post-note: People out there, PLEASE think about what you say before you say it. The other day we had a friend over who was commenting on a couple he knows who spent 2 years trying to get pregnant (not us) and said, "I mean, you think they'd just give up after a while." It was like a big fat slap in the face, even though he was totally oblivious to our situation.

Riddles in the Dark

I had a HSG, or hysterosalpingogram today.

Well, I should say the HSG was attempted, but not actually done. After about an hour of hanging out and waiting for various tests to come back (one of which was a pregnancy test, ironically), I was finally called into the room. I put on one of those oh-so-stylish gowns, got situated on a very uncomfortable table, and had an x-ray taken of my lady bits.

Then the technician came in to get started. Basically, it's like a pelvic exam you get at your OB-GYN. They inserted a speculum and the technician then started to try to get the catheter with the dye inserted. She kept up a running dialogue of questions with me, so I felt all right, trying to breathe, stay calm and relaxed.

Then she kept saying, "Darn! Your cervix is tilted. Hold on while I move the speculum a little bit." More poking and prodding ensued. This happened 3 times. Then she finally said, "Well, it looks like it's not going in. I'm going to try to put in some dye." Of course, the dye immediately leaked out again, leaving me with the unpleasant sensation that I had wet myself. Great.

After that, she took everything out and told me the bad news. "Your cervix is blocked at the top. You'll have to have it dilated/cleared at the OB-GYN office and then come back here."

At least I know what part of the problem is- in fact, I hope that's the ONLY problem I have. Part of me wonders what it is- a cyst? Cancerous or not? My Pap was normal, so I hope that's not the case. Scarring? Part of me wonders if I had a miscarriage and just didn't know it. I wasn't charting for the first couple of months, and I had no idea what was going on in my body or what was normal for me.

I read that dilating REALLY hurts...I'm anxious about it, but if it will get me a cleared passage to see that everything else is normal, then I'm doing it. I just really hope that this is the most invasive procedure I have to go through and that everything else is fine after this.

*sigh*

Namaste.

I get so emotional...

Finally got myself to the OB-GYN for my yearly checkup. All is normal, at least to superficial appearances. And now, to begin the invasive tests to find out what's going on. I have to get my thyroid checked. Then I'll be having a hormone check and a uterine ultrasound.

Part of me is relieved that I'm finally getting checked out, and the other part of me is disappointed that I have to go through this instead of just being able to get pregnant like a normal person. I guess it's better to get checked and see if I'm normal than just continue being anxious about getting pregnant.

I also saw some pictures of my nephew with my grandmother that my sister-in-law took while we were on vacation and basically just started bawling. I am sad that we will have children too late for my grandmother to meet them, too.

I've been really emotional the last few days. Part of me hopes that I'm pregnant already, but the doubting part of me says don't get your hopes up.

*sigh*

Maybe I need some special baby-making juju from acupuncture. I'd do it if I weren't so scared of needles.

What is wrong with me?

Another month, another two weeks of agonizing wait. My temperature dropped this morning, although some part of me still holds out a perverse hope that it is just an implantation 'dip'. This is unlikely because the temperature dropped significantly. If this is the case, I just had an 8-day luteal phase.

Something is clearly wrong with me. I do think my hormones are out of whack. I'm going to get a yearly checkup in a couple of weeks, and then it's off to see a fertility specialist.

It is even more painful when my students ask me if I have children, and when I say no, they say "Why not? Don't you want to have children?"

Everything in me wants to scream, "YES, I want children, but I can't have any because I am infertile! So stop f*ing asking me that question!!!"

I can't stand to look at Facebook any more because of all the baby pictures of friends. It's even hard when they come to visit and let me hold their sweet little one. It makes it all the more painful.

Anyway, I must get ready for work, which I now hate. Is it winter break yet?

Still nothing...

Off to see the OB-GYN and fertility specialist in a few weeks...wish me luck.

I still feel like a failure, even though I know it doesn't work that way. My biology is just screwed up. I'm sure it's something with hormones...

We'll see.

*sigh*