A-type personality

I am very type-A. I worry about everything constantly and whether or not it is good enough or if I'm doing it right. I rarely take time to celebrate accomplishments because I'm already thinking of ways to do it better. That said, I have trouble just not worrying.

I woke up yesterday with some light bleeding. I've been wearing a pad because of leakage (ok, waterfalls) from the Endometrin and Estrace. So I noticed it. It was red, but not bright red. No clots, but sort of like the light bleeding I get at the beginning of my period. That really worried me. I spent the rest of the day freaking out and Googling miscarriage symptoms.

I find it interesting that people consider infertility at an end once the woman gets pregnant. This is certainly not the case!! Infertility ends when I am holding a healthy baby in my arms. I think part of it is that we've spent 3 years and thousands of dollars on infertility treatments and I am worried about the possibility of losing the most precious gift that we fought so hard for.

My day continued. I dragged myself through it- so exhausted. I had back cramps in the afternoon and evening. My back hurt so much by my last class that I taught sitting down. I never do that. I had to take some children's Tylenol to help it stop hurting. I went to the bathroom frequently- not because I had to, but because I wanted to check for more blood. I had a tiny amount of spotting, but nothing after the morning. That was somewhat of a relief.

I am still concerned because I really don't 'feel' pregnant. My breasts are less sore than before, the veins have disappeared a little, I'm not nauseous, I haven't been getting up to pee in the early a.m. like before....I'm just a worrier by nature. I really hope this works out. I opted not to go in for an early ultrasound or bloodwork since I stopped bleeding. But I know I'm going to worry about this the rest of the week until Friday.

Say a prayer for us.

Waiting with hope

Well, it's been a week or so since our positive news. I thought I would write about what I've been experiencing over that time period while we wait with hope and a bit of nervousness about the ultrasound on Friday.

I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I think part of me is trying to be protective against possible disappointment, because there is a scared part of my brain saying, "What if this is just a chemical pregnancy? A blighted ovum? What if you have a miscarriage because this just wasn't meant to be?"

I had to POAS last week because I have still been keeping track of my temps. I watched them dip below my coverline one morning and had a bout of anxiety about miscarriage. No bleeding, and the test was positive. The temps took a climb back up and I have breathed a sigh of relief.

Since I am very attuned to my body, I have noticed the following changes:

• Acid reflux after eating spicy foods
• More thirsty than usual- it makes sense, your body is making more blood for the embryo!
• I had some hot flashes a few days after the transfer- not sure if this was the progesterone/estrogen I've been taking
• Tender breasts- not as bad as before my period, but veins are definitely more noticeable
• Falling asleep on the couch by 9:00 p.m. Not extreme exhaustion, but certainly more tired.
• Irritable- I have been much more hard on my students over things that I would normally let slide
• Bloating/constipation (yeah, TMI)- Ok, so I look 3 months pregnant. I catch my students giving me sidelong glances. I am uncomfortable wearing my regular pants, yet not ready to go into maternity clothes at just 5 weeks pregnant!!
• Cramps- they feel like period cramps, but are intermittent. Hopefully this is due to uterus expanding, although I read it can be due to dehydration. Time to drink more water!

No nausea (yet) thankfully, although if I don't eat snacks between meals I get ravenously hungry and lightheaded. Some days I just 'feel' pregnant, and other days I feel totally normal.

Hopefully we will have a positive ultrasound result on Friday- say a prayer and cross your fingers for us!

Beta #2

Friday, I went up for my appointment. I made sure to drink a lot of water and juice in the morning because they had a hard time sticking me and getting blood on Wednesday. They still had a hard time today- I had to get stuck in the hand (ow). Oh well. All worth it.

Got the beta results right at lunch time: 233.3. A little lower than double, but close! The nurse said to come back in two weeks (right before Thanksgiving break) for my first ultrasound.

I am beyond ecstatic. Now I have yet another 2-week wait. I am trying so hard not to be anxious about the possibility of miscarriage- we have waited so long and prayed so much for this child to be here with us. All we can do is take care of ourselves and pray some more.

We told our immediate family about our happy news. Everyone is so excited for us because they know the pain and heartache we've gone through to get here. I'm glad we told everyone early. I know they will support us if anything does go wrong. Hopefully though we will get more and more happy news as we progress through this first trimester. It's hard to think that I'm already 4 weeks (technically 2 weeks) pregnant. I think it will take some getting used to!

Namaste!

Success and relief!

My husband and I were on pins and needles all day Wednesday. My co-workers were all asking me when I would find out, so I just told them the office was supposed to call me in the afternoon. I tried to keep my phone on airplane mode all day. It was really difficult not to keep looking at the phone. As soon as the last bell rang, I turned the phone on. The message symbol came up on the phone. I packed my stuff as quickly as I could and then practically ran to the car.

I met DH on campus. Too impatient to wait for him to come down to meet me, I went up to the building to meet him. There were people around, so we decided to go down a nearby hiking trail and sit on a bench to listen to the message. Holding onto each other, we listened:

"I wanted to let you know that we got your results back, and indeed, you are pregnant! The result is great. The beta was 121.2...."

At that point, we both started laughing/shaking uncontrollably while holding each other. I just felt such a sense of relief and joy. Finally!!!

Now we await the second beta test to see if things are progressing. Over the last week and a half, I think I had these 'symptoms': acid reflux, headache, backache, tender breasts, and irritability (although that could be from teaching high school students!). I haven't really felt any nausea (so far!). I have been trying to eat when I get hungry, which has seemed more frequent than usual.

Something I did not know about pregnancy also: due to blood volume increase, you get dehydrated more easily than normal. If you are newly pregnant, drink a TON of water!

We really hope and pray that things continue to go well. 

Betas and Blabbermouths

Tomorrow is the first beta test. I am incredibly nervous and anxious- and so tempted to just POAS tomorrow morning so DH and I can just know already. I've been instructed not to give in to the temptation, as home pregnancy tests can give a false positive due to some residual HCG in the system from the trigger shot. However, it's been over 10 days since I did the trigger shot, so I think most of it is probably gone now.

I am also having a problem with a co-worker. I ended up telling her that we were going through IVF and she has been very supportive and praying for us. HOWEVER, once I got the embryos, she decided it was appropriate to gush at lunch, in front of EVERYONE that I was 'pregnant'. I am a very private, introverted person. I am also waiting to find out IF I am pregnant- I did NOT want to announce this to everyone until at least the first ultrasound. I just feel angry and upset that she decided to do this. And I can't control other people, so I am going to have to just forgive her and let it go. *sigh*

I wish I could just take the rest of the week off and curl up on the couch with DH.

Waiting with prayer

The last week has been a crazy one. Our transfer of one embryo occurred on Monday. We received fantastic pictures from the embryologist of the second one, who went into frozen storage. That one will be 'just in case', or, more hopefully, a younger sibling.

I have tried really hard to stay calm about everything. I had bloating a couple of days afterward, which is making me look 3-4 months pregnant already! A nosy student was like, "I hope your doctor's visits are for happy things" while looking at my stomach obviously. Sheesh! I appreciate the sentiment, but holy cow, it's private business. I started Googling 'how to hide a pregnancy bump' after that. I'll share when I'm good and ready to share, if I even have good news.

I started feeling really achy on Thursday and Friday- all of my major muscle groups were sore like I was coming down with the flu or had worked out really hard. I had no fever, but it was really disturbing. DH couldn't even touch me because my muscles were so achy. I contacted the nurse on Friday. She said it wasn't any side effect she could think of, and maybe I was fighting a virus or something. I just hope my body wasn't fighting the embryo off...I fell asleep on the couch early last night, went to bed, and then woke up at 5:45 with pain all over. I was really worried, so I took some Tylenol and was able to go back to sleep. When I woke up again, the aches had gone. Thank God. I really hope that it was something benign!

My first beta test is on Wednesday morning. I am awash with nervous anticipation and anxiety. I don't know what I'll do if the test is negative- probably be in shock and then cry. We both hope that won't be the case, but this little one only has a 50% chance of implanting. And then it has to grow...I keep praying, please God, let this be our little miracle.

Hopefully it will all work out.

Day 3

Good thing we were up early this morning- our embryologist called right around 8:00 to let us know both embryos are now 8 cells each and are a Grade 1 (that's perfect!!). They are already little overachievers. :-) We decided to leave them alone tomorrow so they can grow. The embryologist called Day 4 an 'awkward stage'. All I could picture is the little embryos going, "Leave me alone! Don't look at me!" like teenagers that have a bad case of acne.

We'll be going in Monday morning for the transfer. After a good deal of conversation, DH and I decided to elect for only 1 embryo to be transferred. I am young and healthy, but two babies could be risky. Unless the ER has a different opinion, a singleton pregnancy would be our preferred option.

Also, I am on tons of supportive meds- steroids, antibiotics, progesterone, and estrogen. I had TERRIBLE hot flashes yesterday. I'm hoping my body adjusts so I don't feel like I'm on fire today. I had to eat ice cream after work just to feel normal (not that that's a bad thing)!

Here are our day 3 littles:

I hope one is a girl and the other is a boy- that would be just right. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. I am just elated that they are finally here. I hope my body can sustain and support them the way it is supposed to.

Namaste!

Day 2

Day 2, things are still looking great. Our embryologist said they are 'perfect'!

I know there is still implantation and all of gestation to go, but one day at a time...I am having horrible hot flashes today thanks to the progesterone (I think). I felt like I was running a fever all day long and my head was swimming. I hope my body adjusts to it soon. Whew!

Here are our lovelies:

May God continue to bless their growth and watch over them!

We have zygotes!!

I am beside myself with excitement and hope. 2 out of the 3 eggs successfully fertilized! Here's to hoping they will both continue to develop beautifully.

Retrieval #2

These past few weeks have been insane. Between a much-needed Fall break (thank God for 4-day weekends!) and Homecoming Week (how much sugar have these students been eating?!?), I have just about been at the top of my stress levels.

After last time, we decided to sit back and re-group while nature took its course. We contacted the office to get started again with a new protocol. Still natural cycle IVF, just changing things up a little bit to catch the eggs in time. I wasn't feeling as hopeful this round since the doctor said there was still a good chance I could ovulate on my own despite the Ganirelix.

I started my shots last Wednesday and finished them on Monday. This was a short time compared to the 8 days last time! My follicles developed quickly and the lining looked good on Monday, so they had me trigger with the HCG Monday night. I had been charting my temps, so I was keeping a hawk eye on those in case they suddenly went up (which usually indicates ovulation). I had a lot of cervical fluid that also indicated that I was very fertile (EWCM). This made me even more nervous because it happened last time. So I wasn't feeling too good about my chances this morning. My temperature went up, the fluid appeared to dry up, and I didn't feel as 'full' as I had the day before. I was very upset already about my chances.

We got to the clinic early (doors were still locked!) and got checked in. I went in for a preliminary scan. This made me feel better- last time, they took me straight back to the OR and I had no time to adjust. The scan room is where I've been going, so I felt less anxious in there. My doctor came in (thankfully, she's the one I like- the other one is fine and professional, but I like her better) and asked how we were doing. We told her we thought I'd ovulated already. She seemed surprised and said that my hormone levels wouldn't have suggested that, but that we would take a look.

The ultrasound revealed NO OVULATION!! Hallelujah!! I had 3 very big, healthy-looking follicles they wanted to get to, so we immediately went back to the prep room to get me ready. I opted for anesthesia this time, so the lady was there asking me all kinds of questions while I got ready to nap. Thankfully, she gave me a numbing shot for the IV since it was going in my hand (ouch). Before I knew it, I kissed DH good luck for his part and walked into the OR. I was instantly anxious again, but soon after I got into place, the anesthesia lady did her thing and I promptly passed out. When I woke up, they scooted me over to a stretcher and got me to the recovery room.

DH was there waiting for me. The embryologist came out and said they were successfully able to retrieve 3 eggs! She said that is quite a lot for a natural cycle, and that they would be fertilized later this afternoon. We were both thrilled and excited. I just kept silently praising God, thank you, thank you, thank you.

We went home. I took some Tylenol with codeine for the pain- it wasn't too bad, kind of like strong period cramps. I wasn't sleepy for a while, so I just laid on the couch curled up under a blanket until I did fall asleep. I woke up just in time for the embryologist to call. She said all 3 eggs had great quality (yay gametes!) and that she was able to fertilize all of them. She will call us tomorrow to let us know if they are developing correctly. We hope that all of them get to become embryos. I am praying so much for those little bundles of DNA right now- our future child/children!!!

We know there's a long way to go- first developing, then transfer, then implantation...then development...but we at least have jumped the first hurdle in our journey to becoming parents. That makes me feel very, very good. We have made more progress today than in the last 4 years!

Here's to hoping- namaste!

That Question

So I'm minding my own business, teaching students and taking care of some paperwork. One of my female students comes up to me (these are 9th graders) and says, "Can I ask you a personal question?" I was like, "Okay....?" So she says,

"Are you pregnant?"

Cue overwhelming tidal wave of bad emotions.

"No."

But she didn't stop there. She then added,

"ARE YOU SURE?"

I told her "YES" and then she went back to her seat.

Class ended, they left. It was my lunch period, so I decided to call DH to vent. Just as I was about to pick up the phone, another student entered the room. She was one of mine from last year, so I smiled and said hello. She said,

"A friend of mine in one of your classes had a question but was too embarrassed to ask you. Are you pregnant?"

I was like, "F%^&*(%@!%^*&W@$$%" in my head. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! This has to be the worst timing ever.

So I just kind of fake laughed and said, "No, I've just eaten too much chocolate. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

She was like, "Oh, chocolate! Can I have some?"

I was like, GTFO. No, I didn't say that. I said, "Come back tomorrow and I'll give you some."



I completely understand why these students asked this question. I live in a town where the average teen pregnancy rate is very high. Girls think it's cute to have babies. They are totally oblivious to the fact that 1) children are a lot of work and 2) not everyone gets pregnant when they want to. They have no idea what infertility even is, or that that is even a problem for some people. I get it. I really do. Culturally, it is okay for them to ask that question. They want to ooh and ahh over a teacher who they like (at least I hope they like me) and ask me questions about all that.

But seriously. Has no one ever explained that it is RUDE to ask a woman if she's pregnant, or that they might be offending the person?? Or metaphorically stabbing a knife through that person's heart because they CAN'T get pregnant??

I really wanted to punch something today. But I didn't. I came home and danced my a## off for half an hour. I think it's the stress eating and the meds that has caused me to put on so much weight. I have gone up one pant size in the last calendar year and currently weigh 190. EEK. I do not want to weigh so much. Time to dance my a$$ off some more and quit eating my emotional problems or trying to solve them with chocolate.

Even though chocolate is really, really tasty. :-(

A big fat nope

Went in for retrieval. Had valium and codeine. Still felt too lucid by the time they took me back to the op room.Doc gets the ultrasound in me and then brings the world crashing down as he says I have no follicles large enough for retrieval. Looks like I ovulated already. So devastated. Will try again next month but feeling really low right now.

Retrieval day!

It's finally here. We're headed out the door in a few for our appointment. I thought I would write now and then again later.

We did yoga last night. Note to others: downward dog with swollen ovaries is a BAD IDEA. I did the stretches the best I could without it hurting. My abdomen is all swollen and felt like period cramps. I read this is due to the HCG shot. Yoga helped me sleep until the alarm went off this morning. Then I woke up and had more cramps. Ouch.

Soon we'll be heading to the clinic to get me drugged up on codeine and valium. I hope I'll be knocked out enough that I won't feel/remember a thing during the procedure. I'm usually kind of a lightweight when it comes to painkillers, so that shouldn't be a problem. I am also having them on an empty stomach- procedure is at 10:00, so I can't eat until afterward.

More later- hopefully everything will go well without issues and we'll get some nice, healthy eggs to fertilize!

Almost time...

Well, things are mobile again. Looks like I won't get to go in for the retrieval until Friday.

Bonus, I got all day today off. I treated myself to sushi for lunch and then a massage. Hah. It was really nice. I just felt the need to take care of myself after all the poking and prodding I've endured lately.

Results came back- looks like 2 nearly mature follicles on the right, which will probably be the ones she takes on Friday. Not sure what will happen to the 3 immature ones- will they take them out? If not, will they die? Or will I ovulate them? Have to ask.

So now I get to turn around, go back to work, tell them I WILL be in on Thursday, but not Friday and oh yeah, probably not Monday or Wednesday next week because of the 'post-operation' aka the transfer of embryos. And I will likely not know which day until the night before. Gah! That's the most frustrating part. I don't want the scheduling lady to be mad at me because of these erratic days off that I need. At least by next week it will be done.

Then I just have a 2-week wait to agonize over. I read a good suggestion to do something fun every day. My sister suggested putting the list on slips of paper and pull one from a jar every day to do. I may have to try that, otherwise I'm going to go nuts looking at baby things on Pinterest and wondering if every twinge is a pregnancy symptom.

Only one more night of shots...just some more Follistim and the HCG trigger! DH brought me flowers and ice cream tonight to help. I think he feels guilty about all that I've been through. Men sure do get the easy end of the deal with IVF, right?!? At least he's supportive. <3

Going with the flow

Well, we had yet another appointment this morning. I have 5 possible follicles to retrieve- 3 are on the larger side, 2 on the smaller side. My estrogen levels went back up (could it be the flaxseed I had in my smoothie this morning? Who knows...).

Consequently, this development has pushed my retrieval back to Thursday. I have to inject myself for a few more nights (sigh). Now I have a combo of Menopur and Follistim. I was given a Follistim pen and told to give half each night. Looks like I'll be doing the trigger shot on Tuesday night.

So now I still have an appointment to check up on me on Tuesday morning, but I won't need the whole day off. I will, however, need Thursday off. Time to check in at work and see what I can do. I had planned a video day on Tuesday, so that shouldn't be too bad if I do have to miss one or two classes. I'm trying not to worry about missing work, but being away from my students impedes their progress. Argh.

Got to go with the flow- just say prayers and trust that God has got us in His hands.

I am a human pincushion

Today is day 4 of stim shots. I was reading about some people who do them for 10 days. That's at least 20 little holes in your abdomen! Lucky me, I only have 8 so far. It's gotten harder as the days go on. I am trying to rotate which sides the Menopur and Ganirelix go on to reduce the tenderness, but there is less and less 'good skin' that hasn't already been poked in the last couple nights. I had a lot of trouble with the Ganirelix tonight- had to start, stop, and then try another spot after icing it for a few more minutes.

My abdomen is also feeling really tender from the growth of all the follicles. I feel bloated and can feel ovarian 'twinges' throughout the day. I know I don't have it as bad as someone on a full IVF cycle, but the discomfort is growing noticeably. More ice tonight and yoga pants. And chocolate chip cookies, even though I'm trying to cut back on refined sugar.

I got a surprise call from a nurse this morning. I was on my way out the door to belly dance. She was like, "You need to come in." So I panicked, called my husband, and we drove up there together. We got a message from the doctor en route that my estrogen levels had dropped. He was worried that I had already ovulated despite the Ganirelix and wanted to check.

So I had yet another trans-vaginal ultrasound (really the LEAST painful part of this whole process) and another needle stick in my right arm to check the estrogen levels. The nurse really wasn't sure about where my ovaries were...that made me a little nervous, although she took lots of pictures to show the doctor.

Then we went out for a drive and a walk. Being outside always makes me feel more stable and peaceful. I got a call later today saying that my estrogen was still pretty low, so crank up the Menopur by a dose. Luckily this just means adding another vial to the water and not another separate shot. I'm going to get checked tomorrow morning. Praying so hard for good estrogen levels so that I can get my trigger shot.

If I do get the okay, it looks like Tuesday will be retrieval day. I'm excited and nervous. I know this upcoming week is just going to be a blur. I'm just holding on for the ride!

Stim meds, day 2

Can I just say that I'm glad I'm on a mini-IVF cycle? I only have to do 2 injections a night, and that is plenty for me. I can't imagine how many shots women on regular IVF cycles have to have, or how much more sore they must be.

The Menopur has been no trouble- that one is just mix and inject, doesn't hurt or sting for me. The Ganirelix is the one I've had trouble with. It really burns and stings. I had to ice the site a lot last night and it's still twingy today. But I did both shots by myself. DH watched the first one, just to make sure I was okay. I think it kind of freaked him out that I was so casually able to stick myself with the needle. I'm rather surprised I can do it without freaking out, myself!

The other thing I've noticed is how tired I am on these meds. I mean, usually DH has to wake me up anyhow because I like to sleep, but it's been like waking up from molasses the last two mornings. Not sure which one is causing the fatigue, but I do keep wondering if this is how it will be (if) I get pregnant this round. Guess I'll just have to nap more frequently and go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

Today is scan #2 to see how many follicles, how big, and what my estrogen levels are. I'm hoping that they'll be able to tell me today when the retrieval will be next week. That way, I can plan out what I need to get ready for my substitute at school. I want to get that done this weekend so I don't have to worry about it. I know my students are curious about why I've been out so much, but they can just keep on wondering. I'm not saying a word!!

I'll update later with my stats (if I have time- it's sure to be a busy day).

Shots shots shots shots....not the fun kind....

I had my first IVF appointment today. Consequently, this meant I got almost no sleep last night as I was up trying to prepare my lesson plan for the class I was getting observed in today. I had weird dreams about being at a Boy Scout camp. Huh.

Driving to the appointment was probably the most stressful- that I-75/24 split can be pretty hairy even at the  best of times. There was a bit of a slowdown, but not much. I arrived at 8:00, just as the office opened. I waited until I saw someone else go in and then grabbed my stuff and hightailed it in. Good thing, too, because the office got pretty crowded after that.

The ultrasound looked good- he said about 6 follicles. That's more than I expected, although I predict the number will drop some as they get close to maturation. I had blood drawn to look at my estrogen. They said I might have to start my shots, so I got some clarification from the nurses about how to mix the Menopur (two vials of dry, 10 cc's water).

Then I went to teach. I had to tell my students that I "donated blood" because a lot of them were curious about my purple arm band (that matched my shirt, thanks lady!). I tried not to think about the results. Got a call later that I could go ahead and start the Menopur and Ganirellex tonight.

Went out for dinner with DH and a friend. That was a good and needed break. We talked about how frustrating students can be sometimes. DH had some work to do, so he went back to the office and I went home. I fell asleep on the couch almost instantly until it was time to take my shots.

I am a type-A personality, so I had to get everything set up on the counter just the right way with the directions read like a million times before I started. I started with the Menopur. Mixing wasn't hard (if you can cook following a recipe, you can give yourself these shots no problem). I iced my abdomen before I did it- that really helped it go more smoothly. I just thought, "Push!" when I needed to get the needle in. Funny, if everything is successful, I'll be thinking the same thing about 9 months from now... Anyway, it was fine. The Ganirellex was already pre-loaded. I had a little more trouble on that one because I forgot to tap out the bubbles. I had to withdraw it and try again. That side is a little more irritated than the other. Oh well. I will rotate sides tomorrow. I iced it and hopefully that will help it be less irritated tonight.

I'm glad I could do it myself. The needles were pretty short, like the ones I usually have for my allergy shots, so that wasn't a problem. Now I just wonder about the side effects....hopefully I won't be a blubbering mess tomorrow or the rest of the week. One can only hope!

Next appointment is on Friday. Here's to hoping and praying all continues to go well! Go follicles go!

Namaste.

First Steps

There is so much information to process. I feel like I've just been in this place where I've been waiting, interminably, for something good to happen. If anyone has ever read the book In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant, you know what I mean. The book is about finding love and happiness, but sometimes we get stuck waiting in this 'meantime' where nothing seems to go right. Even though it doesn't feel like it, we are growing and developing and these growing pains can be, well, painful.

Our meantime feels like it's drawing to a close. At least, we hope so.

I was put on birth control for a few days to sync up my cycle with the lab. For a while, it was unclear if there would be enough room in the inn for our possible embryos. That caused me a lot of stress. Then we had to wait and see if the HSG I had during my surgery last August would count so that I wouldn't have to do a sonohistogram. I missed any and all messages my nurse left over Labor Day weekend, and I was a nervous wreck until we straightened it out on Tuesday.

My nurse REALLY loves to talk. I am one of those people who just need the cut-and-dry information in a precise and efficient manner so I can process it and make decisions. The worst thing was when she told me I needed to come in yesterday at 11:30 for an endometrial biopsy, then told me should would call me back after talking to the doctor. I get horrible cell service at school, so I got a frantic message from her a few minutes later saying that both me and my DH needed to come in at 3:00 for baseline tests and that it was IMPERATIVE that I call her back the next morning. So I'm freaking out because I have no idea when I need to be at their office. She wanted me to call her at 8:30, which is right in the middle of my first class. So I asked another teacher to watch my class while I made a quick phone call. That took 15 inscrutable minutes on hold while the front desk person searched for my nurse. When she finally made it to the phone, she was just incredibly chatty and I was just like, "LOOK, give me the information I need so I can go back to teaching!!!!".

So we had our appointment at 3. Had a bunch of bloodwork done, both me and DH. The lady who did it was great- knew exactly what she was doing. Then I had my ultrasound and the biopsy. THAT was the most painful part. At least she saved it for last. I really had to focus on Dave and try to count to 10 with the doctor. The cramping sucked. I am such a sensitive person. I keep wondering if unmedicated home birth is really going to be the way I want to go when/if the time comes.

Now we're on some meds to prepare for the natural IVF cycle. I have my calendar, which makes me feel at least a little better about when this is all going to happen. I'll post some more about the natural IVF cycle later, because I know I couldn't find a lot of information about the process myself, which is worrisome.

Namaste.

The Path Diverges

DH and I are feeling pretty awful right now. We just tried our 3rd cycle on Femara with no luck. My sister in law is about to give birth to our second nephew. We are both just trying to process what to do next.

My feelings are trapped in me like a bubble of angst that just gets bigger and bigger. I tried talking to both my best friend and my Mom about it, but couldn't interrupt the supposedly happy conversations we were having to unload my negative ones, so it just became more entrapped and ensnared. I am feeling angry and frustrated that our bodies just won't do what they are 'supposed to' do; what other people seem to have no trouble doing at all. I'm angry that we are going to have to pay to have a child, one way or another; that our insurance probably covers ending a life in abortion, but not starting one in IVF or adoption. I am terrified at the medical procedures that might give us a child but might not; might cause my ovaries to hypertrophy. I don't like needles. I can't even look when they give me my 3 allergy shots at the doc's every week. Every week. I should be used to being poked by now, right? I am sad and heartbroken because my DH just can't deal with the fact that his sperm isn't adequate enough to fertilize my eggs, even though he is taking FertilAid. I know he feels incompetent, but it isn't his fault. We are both depressed and anxious.

Our next step is to meet with our fertility doc and see where to go from here. Initially, I thought I wanted to try IUI and then move up to IVF, but now I just want a child as soon as possible. I have grown tired of waiting, of heartbreak. Our church would say that this is a selfish motive, that we should just adopt. And we have friends who did adopt. They are incredibly happy with their little boy. We got to meet him this week. They are certainly going through an adjustment process, but they are a happy little family. It made me re-think- why should we choose IVF? Why not adopt? So now there are a few choices on the table:

1) Adopt and give up the dream of having a biological child. DH is not ready for that yet, and neither am I.
2) Natural IVF, hopefully starting next month. Lower chances than regular IVF, but no needles involved. I have the time to drive to their office every day for an ultrasound or blood work. This appeals to me and DH. And it's cheaper.
3) Stimulated IVF. This would be $$$$$ and then we have to wrestle with the issue of the frozen remaining embryos (assuming there are any), storage, etc.

Obviously we are leaning strongly toward #2. I guess I just want to see what the doc has to say about it, but I am about 90% sure that is the option we would like to move forward with for at least the next 3 cycles. I have had decent cycles on Femara. Natural IVF goes straight to ICSI, which would bypass my DH's part of the issue. Then we just have to hope that it fertilizes and divides into a blastocyst and that it implants and stays.

Also, how do people educate their relatives on this? My MIL still seems to think this is a 'just relax and everything will be fine' problem. It's a fu**ing biological problem, and there is NO way that relaxing is going to help AT ALL!! Ok, maybe relaxing during the procedures will help it hurt less, but still....me thinks they still don't understand.

Anyone else out there try natural IVF and have good success?

Still here

It's the end of the school year. I've said goodbye to all the students that I've come to know over the 180ish days that we were together. I am relieved, exhausted, depressed, and tired. This transition is always difficult. It's a time of reflection, looking back over the huge pile of all the things that have happened and trying to decide what went well and what didn't.

It's also the time when all of my 'other life' worries become much more prominent. It's easy to push them aside to focus on work, but now that work load is light and my brain immediately steers me toward the most pressing thing on my mind: infertility.

I can't even remember if it's 2 or 3 years since we started trying. Our basic diagnosis is that I am generally okay with producing eggs (although my luteal phase is much shorter than my doc wants it to be) and my husband can't produce any good sperm. That's really our problem. So I find it hilarious when we go to the doc and it's MY blood pressure, MY height/weight, etc that gets checked. Next time, I'm going to make HIM sit on the table.

My heart feels broken. I've been trying to push off this feeling for as long as I can, but now with nothing else to focus on, it's back with a vengeance. I survived Mother's Day in church by sternly telling myself that I was NOT going to cry.

I've been having arguments with myself about continuing with treatments- IUI would be our next step, and the Church says 'maybe' it's okay, or 'no, you're sinning'? DH doesn't want to do it. He wants to wait another cycle to see if things happen on their own. But they are obviously not happening on their own, that's why we're seeing a fertility doctor in the first place!

I want to continue with treatment. I feel called to be a mother, and I know DH feels called to be a father. This is our vocation, and I just have a hard time believing that God puts a desire in your heart for a child and then denies you the means to achieve that desire. If IUI doesn't work, then we'll debate the next step in the road: in vitro or adoption. I'm not emotionally or psychologically ready for that yet.

All we want is a family of our own. Is that so much to ask?

Snow Days

I've been so busy! Everyone says it. And I try to stay busy, because when I'm idle, negative thoughts have a tendency to creep into my head. So I find something to do, even when there is nothing to be done. Actually, I find something passive to do, even though I should be doing something active or constructive.

I'm worried about my DH. The week we got his second semen analysis back, his car wouldn't start. This is weird, because his car is a new lease, whereas mine is a 2004. So we ended up carpooling. And we got his results when we were in the car together. I think God was trying to help us give each other support.

The results were worse than last time: low count, very low to no motility, and no normal sperm (again). This is crushing news, because without normal sperm, we'll have to resort to more invasive techniques.

I feel awful- my cycle isn't anywhere near normal, but I don't feel as bad about it because I know I can take drugs to help it get back on track. DH feels depressed, grief, anger, frustration- he can't change his morphology, and there have been very few studies on what make sperm abnormal to begin with (which seems ridiculously unfair to both male and female partners). I know we have a plan, so I feel okay about it. I've been coping all right with stuff now that I've edited my Facebook feed for content (ie: less baby pics). But DH has been brooding over his issue. I really think we need a follow-up soon. Or a counseling appointment for us.

We've talked about how we want to handle the moral and ethical considerations of some of the reproductive technologies (see previous post for more on that). I think that it is at least smart to start on the fertility drugs and try for 3 months, praying for a miracle. That will give me time to finish teaching. Our summer schedule is much more flexible and would allow us more time for doctor's visits for IUI or in vitro if that's what it comes down to.

Overall, I hope that we'll miraculously get pregnant during the 3 month 'natural' time (please, God?) and not have to go forward with any other treatment, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Heaven and Hell

I'm on a rant, so please excuse if I don't make any sense.

I went to church this morning (my religion is Roman Catholic), without my husband (sick at home). I was enjoying the feel of fellowship and participating in Mass. Then we got to the Homily. Guess what, same thing every year: anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. Anti-abortion talk starts.

My reaction: Ok, same thing every year. Support the unborn and those struggling with unexpected pregnancy (teens? I always wonder who the people that show up at the crisis center are...). Don't wantonly abort a child just because they are unwanted.

The homily continues: Don't use contraception because it's a sin; because marriage should be the only place where couples have sex for the express purpose of having children. Couples should never use contraception because then they are simply expressing carnal love and not spiritually connecting, and that is a sin.

My reaction: Ok, same thing again. Of course, if people USED contraception and were educated about their bodies and sex, maybe there wouldn't BE as many people desperate and considering abortion.

Priest: Contraception CAUSES abortions because people get addicted to the 'high' of having sex for fun and then whoops when a baby comes and they just casually decide to get rid of the 'consequence'.

Me: Ok, no. I don't think so. Using contraception would PREVENT abortion. Ok, yes, our society at this point DOES flaunt sex, causes people (mostly women) to be viewed as mere objects (seriously, have you watched any commercials lately??). I do agree that when we objectify others we dehumanize them and turn them into commodities to be bought and sold. That leads to trouble.

Priest: And these test-tube babies, these designer babies. People can now choose the sex of their unborn baby. In China, there are people choosing babies based on their intelligence! They can choose not to have a baby that would have a disability! Who are we to say who can be born or not?

Me: WOAH. Hold on. Is he talking about IVF? Ok, yes, I've heard of couples who select for gender. WTF is this thing about China? There is NO WAY to currently test a zygote for intelligence! Now the science teacher part of me is mad. And yes, some people who know they have a genetically inherited disease in their family choose to have the embryos screened and choose one that does not have the disease. Ok, and now we get into gray territory. I'm furious because he is painting everyone with the same broad brush of 'sinner, sinner' and I'm sitting here listening to him equate contraceptive use with abortion and then IVF with unethical killing of unborn lives and science playing God. All huge, complex moral topics that are NOT black and white. I have never wanted to leave church before, but at that moment, I wanted to get up and walk out.

Priest: Goes on to talk about child slavery, human trafficking, etc. Of course, we should be compassionate towards those who are currently experiencing infertility...

I left church feeling really, really angry and more upset than I've been in a while. Don't couples struggling with infertility already have ENOUGH on their plate? Now we have to deal with morality issues from the church as well??

When I got home, I shared with my husband my concerns. We looked up some of the treatments to see what the Church considers ethical. Pretty much this: natural conception, surgery, some fertility drugs, and that's it. No IUI, no GIFT or ZIFT; and certainly no IVF. We wouldn't want to treat the miracle of life as a 'product of conception' that was born 'in a lab'. No, we don't want Brave New World babies, decanted from a test tube instead of born in a womb. From having sex. But not just any sex; super-holy, soulful sex.

Yeah, if that's not enough to make me explode with anger, I don't know what is. We haven't yet begun any 'serious' medical interventions to help us. I am scheduled to go on Femara as soon as I finish getting my shots for Varicella and we get my DH's second sample analyzed (which, by the way, the collection process is also a sin in the eyes of the church).

I agree that we shouldn't wantonly abort babies, go around having sex all willy-nilly by using contraception because we can (ie: one night stands), and treat people as commodities. These things are fine with me. I can agree with them.

However, I cannot agree that we should prevent ALL abortions. Babies from incest? Rape? Carrying baby to term would kill the mother? Exceptions to the rule. Contraception- if we taught people about their bodies instead of hiding natural ways of preventing conception (ie: FAM method), then maybe more people would practice using it responsibly and not have unwanted pregnancies!

I cannot agree that we should tell struggling infertile couples, whose greatest GOD-GIVEN DESIRE is to have a family, that they should or should not use reproductive assistance. IVF is already painful and expensive- to tell an infertile couple they are going to hell because they want to 'multiple and be fruitful' is the height of hypocrisy.

Also, my sister had to make the decision to use IVF to save some eggs just in case the chemo treatments nuked her ovaries and she couldn't produce any more. The docs also told her that if she tried to get pregnant naturally, her cancer could come back. So she has a bunch of frozen embryos that she is trying to find a surrogate for so they can have kids. Don't think for a minute that she didn't AGONIZE over that decision and doesn't still think about the moral and ethical repercussions of what she and they chose to do.

Science is a double-edged sword. It can give us technologies to help us, but we are responsible for developing the ethics and standards that lead to it being a benefit for everyone. That's what I try to teach my students.

I think we are just going to have to wait and see what the coming months brings us. We can cross the IVF bridge when- or if- we have to come to it.